The First Thanksgiving....

     I know Thanksgiving is a time to be thankful for all we have, and I usually am.  However, this year I had a huge hole in my heart, a very loved son missing from the table, and being thankful for anything was something I did with effort, not ease.
     We went to my loving sister's house for dinner.  They offered to cook Thanksgiving for us, knowing how hard this holiday would be on us all.  For their sensitivity, love, and support... I am so grateful.  My mom was there, who is fighting a  courageous battle with cancer... for the gift of her with us for one more year of holidays, I am very grateful.  My children....4 of them were with us today, and words could never express the gratitude I feel for their precious lives.  Sean and Kaitie...I know they felt their brother's absence in a very painful way, and I share in that pain.  The time together was very nice, although my heart felt so heavy today.  It was not until the end of the evening that the tears began to fall, as I talked to my sister about Turkey soup...something Ryan loved.  My son, Sean, saw me crying and immediately held me....I know his heart was aching for Ryan too.  No matter how nice it was to all be together, and it was...it was not right without Ryan with us.
     When we were leaving, my sister called me back to her front porch to look at something.  On the cement step, out of what looked like dried mud sunken into the cement, was a perfect heart.  Ryan needed us to know he WAS with us.  Then when we started to drive home, a song played on the radio that I don't hear much anymore, but  have posted on my Facebook as a tribute to Ryan..."Testify to Love."  Again, Ryan letting me know he was with us.  I turned the volume up very loud, and silently cried to myself so no one would know.  I continued to cry the entire way home.
     I am grateful that Ryan was with us.  I am grateful that once again he let us know.  I am grateful I, and those who love him, see the signs he continually sends.  Although I always find comfort and peace in this.... today it wasn't enough.  Today his spiritual presence did not comfort me like it usually does, because today I wanted more....I wanted Ryan with me.   I wanted him because it was Thanksgiving, because Ryan loved to eat, because Ryan is such a huge part of this family, because I love him so much...because he is my child.  He is MY CHILD, and was taken at too young of an age.  For the first time since he died, I felt a glimpse of anger driving home.  Anger that all I have left are memories and signs of his spritual presence, and not him here with us.  I felt cheated out of a lifetime of loving him as we drove home, not only for myself, but for my other children.  I felt the unfairness of it all, and wondered.....  will I ever be OK again?  Nothing is the same, and nothing feels right. 
     I am always so grateful and comforted by the signs he sends...but today, on this first Thanksgiving...it just wasn't enough.