What I Believe....

     I have spent a lot of time pondering my beliefs, the very beliefs that breathe life into me each day.  During a time like this, you need your beliefs to fall on, to lean on, to hold you up.  Beliefs are with you no matter what challenges life gives you, no matter how much anguish you feel, no matter how much you feel God is testing you.  If you believe, your faith will carry you through....at least that has been the reality in my life.
     I believe in God.  For as long as I can remember, that faith has been within me.  Through joys, pains, sorrows, and celebrations....it has been constant.  My relationship with God has taken many roads throughout the years.  It has been turbulent, quiet, fulfilling, full of question, and life sustaining.  No matter how much pain or loss I have felt, I have never questioned whether or not God existed...I just knew He did.  When I lost Ryan, I remember thinking...."if ever I would question my beliefs...now will be the time."  Despite my heart being broken, leaving me lifeless, I still believe.  I don't understand why, but I don't need to understand....that is what faith is about.
     I also believe with God all things are possible.  I believe when someone you love dies, they watch over you.  I believe they are always with you, and if you listen with an open heart and open mind, you will hear, see, and feel the signs of love they send you.  Through clouds, through a scent, through dreams, through music, through a feeling, through visions....we just need to listen.  Some may think this is merely a grieving mother needing to see what she sees, reading things into nothing....but I say it is not.  I know it is not.  After all.....all things are possible with God, are they not?  Who are we on earth to put limits on what God can, or will do, to bring comfort to a crying heart? 
     My dad coming to me in a dream prior to Ryan's death just confirms my belief.  I didn't know what the dream meant until after Ryan died, but now, it is one of the only things that gives me comfort in knowing there was nothing I could have done....God's plan was already in motion.   He sent me a message of  'soon to be comfort',  before Ryan died...He let my dad come to me, knowing I would turn back to that dream numerous times, just to get through each day.  I believe my dad came to help me in the only way he could.  He is in heaven, I am on earth.....but I am still his daughter.  He knew the pain I was about to encounter and he needed to be there for his little girl.  He was there for me...for Ryan.  That dream was a gift, a gift that has kept me breathing.
     Prior to my surgery last week, I asked Ryan to be with me.  The night of my surgery, one of Ryan's friends had a dream, which she shared with me.  I found her note days later, and wrote back to her in tears.  I shared that I had asked Ryan to be with me, that I had surgery,  and assured her I would thank Ryan for sending me a message through her...because I knew he had.  I did thank him, and I know he heard, because this same girl had another dream just the other night...Ryan came to her and thanked her for letting me know how he felt.   This was her note to me:
      "I woke up crying from this dream and knew that I had to tell you.  We were somewhere, I still cant figure out where, but there was beautiful green grass and a little waterfall that ran into a pond.  It was sunny, but there was some wind, so it wasn’t very hot.   He was saying how much he cared for you and he said that you would be OK and he is with you.  I couldn’t figure out why he was saying you would be OK but now I know it was because of your surgery.  He started to cry when he started to say he doesn’t think you know how much you meant to him and how much he loves you and how he loved your relationship.  He said he knows you can get through anything because you are the strongest woman he has ever met.  He also said that you were not only his mom, but his best friend, and he would give anything to have one more day with you so you know how much you mean to him."    
      When I read this note, I immediately broke into uncontrollable tears.  I KNEW Ryan had come to her...he needed me to know something and he knew who to go to.... someone who would hear, believe, and share.  Ryan knows my strong belief and faith in God, and all the possibilities that holds.  Ryan shared that faith.  I don't put limits on what is possible, I never have.  I honestly do believe all things are possible with God.  I have seen it in my life numerous times, and I am seeing it now....a time when I need it the most. 
     What I believe?  I believe in God, I believe our loved ones are always with us, and I believe if we have the open heart that is needed.....they will reach down and we will hear, see, and feel it.  I do believe all things are possible....I believe because I have faith.