My Letter To Ryan....

My Dear Ryan,

     It is almost 2 months since you left, and the aching inside has no mercy.  I look at your pictures around the house...sometimes I touch your face, sometimes I cry, and sometimes I just wish I could hold you one more time.  But I know one more time would not be enough.  To hear your voice, touch your hair, and feel the joy I always felt when you sent a smile my way.  These are things I constantly long for.
    The house feels so empty now.  You were such a large part of my life, of my world, of this family.  I know I am not the only one hurting, and for everyone who was close to you, I feel the emptiness.  An emptiness that has become a powerful reality in my life.
     I want you to know, although I'm sure you do, that your friends and I are looking out for each other.  You had such a variety of friends, which speaks to the kind of heart you had.  They are all so loving and giving and you need to know how much they have reached out to me.  So many of them have told me how much you loved me....a gift so great they will never understand it.  I only hope I am bringing them an ounce of the peace and comfort they bring to me each day.
     Your brothers and sisters.....they are all broken.  They all seem to deal with this in their own ways, which I try to respect.  Whether it be diving into their work, their own families, their friends....they are just trying to survive.  Much like myself that way.   I think the gut wrenching pain of you being gone is too much for any of them to endure, so they keep themselves busy, trying not to think.  Perhaps avoiding a reality they are not yet ready to accept?  Again, I understand that, but it worries me too.  I ask you to look after each and every one of them, and when the time comes, and they fall down in pain, please help them stand up again.  Let them know you are there and you believe in them.  They will need that from you.  Knowing you are with them is where they will find the strength within to get through this and continue on.  They will never get over it, but they can get through it.  Ryan, please let them all know you are there.
     Myself...I'm sure you see what has happened to me.  I know you never liked to see me cry, and I'm so sorry you have to see me broken like this.  I actually feel guilty that you would see me in so much pain, but I'm sure that doesn't surprise you.  You know how deeply I loved you, how close we were, how special you always were to me...so I'm sure you understand the anguish I'm feeling.  I believe you are with me, and I thank you for always letting me see that.  I ask you to continue to watch over me, too, because sometimes I don't know how I will get through this.  I don't know who I am anymore, or who I am becoming?  I know you always believed in me and the woman I was, so I will try and draw from that to pull myself up again.  I would never want to let you down.
     You...I am happy you are with my dad again.  I am happy he came to get you and I know he is so proud of you.  I am happy you feel a joy and love like no one here could begin to understand.  You gave love so freely to others... you deserve the love you are living in now.  Is it everything I told you it would be?  I imagine it's so much more....
     Even though my heart aches, I celebrate for you.  I rejoice for you.  I am so happy that you now know complete peace within.  One day we will be together again, and you can show me all the beauty and love you have found in heaven...and in that sweet moment when we meet...Your Mom will touch your face, rub your hair, feel the complete joy of your smile, and hold you again in her arms like she always did...and has longed to do...every day since you left.

You are always in my heart Ry....I love you completely.

Mom