The Pain of a Stepparent....

As I walk through this painful journey, I seem to walk alone.  Grief is a very lonely journey and one you ultimately take alone.  You can have the support, love, and prayers of your family and friends, but still you walk alone.  Your heart is broken and no one can wash that pain away.  You must walk through it and trust that you will survive.  Trust that God is beside you, probably carrying you, as you know there is no other reason you should still be standing.  As I begin this journey I am very aware of the pain around me, even though I don't know how to help.  Ryan's brothers and sisters, his dad, his stepparents, his grandparents, his aunts, his uncles, his cousins, and his friends.  Today my heart is really consumed with the pain of the stepparent....probably because it's Wednesday, the day his stepdad found him.  Russ is always in complete anguish on Wednesdays, a pain I hope will ease for him with time.

Ryan was blessed to have a loving stepmom and stepdad.  Ryan was almost 8 when they came into his life.  I have always believed you can never have too much love!  I know the loss of Ryan has brought much pain to both these people.  I trust and hope Ryan's stepmom, Julie, is finding the comfort and support she needs to get through this.   My husband, Russ, is having a very hard time, and I am not sure how to help him.  I am not even sure how to help myself, so my inability to help Russ leaves me feeling useless.
Russ and Ryan were very close.  Russ's nature is calm, layed back, and loving...which is exactly what Ryan is drawn to.  Ryan never liked conflict, he was definately a child of peace.  Russ had a way of making Ryan smile and laugh when it seemed impossible for the rest of us.  Every morning Russ would make Ryan his hot pocket, or whatever else he may have wanted, and deliver it to his room as he went in to wake him up for school.  He would always tell Ryan he loved him, hug him, and even annoy him with a kiss now and again.  Ryan knew the good in Russ's heart, he saw it in the way he treated me.  The way he treats everyone.  Russ also saw the love in Ryan's heart and never hesitated to let him know that, to let Ryan know how proud he was of him.  For reasons unknown, Russ was chosen to find Ryan that painful morning of Sept. 22, 2010.  I can not imagine the shock, devastation, and anguish he felt as he called for help, called to tell me, and tried to help Ryan.  The horror he must have felt as he watched the medics do their best to help my little boy.  The feeling he has that somehow he did not protect my little boy for me.  I have tried to assure him that is not how I feel, or the reality of what happened, but his heart will only accept that when it is ready.

Although my heart, the broken heart of a mother, is still in disbelief, anguish, and bewilderment, I felt I needed to express my concern, helplessness, and complete empathy for the pain of a stepparent.  They should not be forgotten, and in my heart, they aren't.