"One Love......One Heart"

Saturday, December 31, 2011

Another New Year....

     It's New Years Eve again...another one without Ryan here.  I look back over the past year and realize that although I remember so many details, I also remember nothing.  It is a year of my life which came and went, with little heart felt participation by me.  I did my best under the circumstances, so make no apologies.
     I have learned a lot over the past year.  I have learned what REAL friends are, and am FOREVER grateful for those people in my life.  I have heard people say they didn't know what to say...which I so genuinely appreciated.  I have also heard the deafening silence of others.  I have watched people endlessly try to show their support through words or actions... I have witnessed those who chose not to do either.  I have been blessed by people who freely and lovingly talk about, and listen to me, as I talk about my son...I have been deeply hurt by those who don't speak of him, or seem to listen as I do.  I have been greatly blessed by Ryan's friends...their love for Ryan has carried me through the darkest of days, and continues to do so.  They love, honor, and remember him always.  I could never thank them enough for showing me how important he was, and still is, in their lives.  In return, they have become very important in mine.  I have learned again how incredible my family is...they have been there, and continue to be there, as this painful journey continues.   They can't heal me, as much as they wish they could,  but they have shown me over and over that Ryan really mattered to them, and that my hurting heart also matters.  What a gift they have given me...Ryan would be proud.  
     Probably the greatest thing I have learned is to take care of myself...to love myself.  Being in such a broken place, you realize how important it is to take care of yourself...because you are so vulnerable and fragile.  I have learned to do things to nurture my spirit, and I do them.  Trips to the coast, writing my blog, time alone, allowing the tears to come, listening to my heart, etc...  I have learned who to let close, and who to keep distant...all out of doing what is best for my heart and soul.  I have learned to set boundaries...protecting my heart and the heart of my family.  I never tolerated judgmental people very well, but now I have no tolerance, so keep those people clear of my life.  I am learning that it does not matter what people think of me...something Ryan had already understood.  As Ryan once said to me..."I know my heart, and if someone is judging me and chooses not to see it, that's their loss."  In all of this, I am learning to love myself the way I know I am suppose to.  
     So as another new year approaches, I am feeling very solemn and nostalgic.  I am missing Ryan more with each day...what I thought would get easier, is in fact, getting harder.  In this sadness, I am also trying to see the gifts I have been given.  I know Ryan would want me to nurture and love myself...I KNOW that.  I will continue to try and do this...I want to make him proud.

Sunday, December 25, 2011

Grieving Mothers....

I found this on a Grieving Mothers page...it so accurately described my heart that I wanted to capture it in my blog.  I have felt many of these emotions and I'm sure anyone else who has lost a child will also feel the power in these words...


1. I wish you would not be afraid to speak my child's name. My child lived and was important and I need to hear his name.

2. If I cry or get emotional if we talk about ... my child, I wish you knew that it  isn't because you have hurt me.  The fact that my child has died has caused my tears.  You have allowed me to cry and I thank you. Crying and sometimes unexpected emotions are healing.

3. I wish you wouldn't ignore or act like my child never existed  by removing from your home his pictures, artwork, or other reminders of this very special person who lived and made a contribution to all of our lives.

4. I will have emotional highs and lows, ups and downs. I wish you wouldn't think that if I have a good day my grief is all over, or that if I have a bad day I need psychiatric counseling. My erratic and unpredictable mood swings , from exhilaration to hopelessness, are as unpredictable by me, as they are by you. This is part of my new "normal"  life. 

5. I wish you knew that the death of a child is different  from other losses and must be viewed separate. It is the ultimate tragedy  in a persons life. I wish you wouldn't compare it to your loss of a parent, a friend, a spouse, or a pet.

6. Being a bereaved parent in not contagious, so I wish you would not shy away from me .   I need you and you need me.

7. I wish you knew of all the "crazy" grief reactions that I have are, in fact, are very normal. Depression, anger, frustration, hopelessness, and the questioning of values and beliefs are to be expected following the death of a child. 

8. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be over in six months. Please do not think because my "time period"  is over that I am a  "former bereaved parent" ...I'll forever more be a "recovering bereaved parent."   Please don't tell me how I should "cope" or that "it is time to move on" or "someday there will be closure."   The word "closure' is a convenient , faddish media term that is absolute and complete nonsense and meaningless.

9. I wish you understood the physical reactions to grief.   I may gain weight or lose weight, sleep all the time or not at all,  develop a host of illnesses, be accident prone or forgetful, all of which may be related to my grief.   I may become isolated and withdrawn for periods of time.   I may not even be able to talk on the phone or return phone calls.

10. Our child's birthday , the anniversary of their death and holidays are terrible times for us.  I wish you would tell us that you are thinking of our child on these days,  and if we get quiet and withdrawn, just know that we are thinking of our child and don't try to coerce us into being cheerful.  If nothing else, I wish you would call once in a while and say,  "Hi, I was thinking about you."  Or just a friendly note or word, "Just wanted to let you know i was thinking of you today and hope things are OK." 

11. It is normal and good that most of us re-examine our faith , values and beliefs after losing a child.  We will question things we have been taught all our lives, and hopefully, come to some new understanding with my God.  I wish you would let me tangle with my religion without making me feel guilty. 

12. I wish you would understand that grief changes people.  I am NOT  the same person I was before my child died and I will never be that person again. If you keep waiting and encouraging me to  "get back to my old self" you will be disappointed, discouraged and frustrated.  I am a new creature, not by choice, but by circumstances... with new thoughts, new dreams, aspirations, goals, priorities, values, and beliefs.  Please try to get to know the new me...maybe you will still like me. 


~ Author Unknown