The Lonliness in Grief....

     Through the deep losses in my life, I have learned that grief is a very individualized process.  Each person grieves differently, in their own time, in their own way.  No way is right, no time is right, and no one can tell you how to do it.  It is a road you ultimately walk alone.  A journey you wish you never had to take, but eventually will.  Once that journey begins, there is no one who can wash away the pain.  It is your pain, your journey, your grief.
     Along the road you will meet many loving people who will try to help.  Some with their words, their gifts, their genuine concern, their prayers, their love.  Although this does not take away the hurt, it does allow you to know that you are loved....and we can never have enough love, can we?  There will also be some who say sorry, are present when the tragedy first strikes, and then quietly disappear into the night.  Perhaps because they don't know what to say, what to do, or how to help?  I've never been one to disappear into the night, so I can't really understand  or make sense of this reaction.  However, I do know there must be a reason, so I accept it as "their way". 
     When you lose someone, the reality is the only ones who will completely understand what you are feeling, are the ones who have experienced the exact same loss.  Whether it be the loss of an aunt, a grandparent, a parent, or a child.  It's almost as if you become a member of an elite club once you have experienced a loss, and only those club members understand what it's really about.  Sadly, I have been a part of many elite clubs, but the loss of my son, Ryan, is the loneliest journey of grief I have ever been on.
     When your child dies, no matter what the circumstance may be, a part of you dies with them.  The child you brought into the world....to love, nurture, hold, protect....has been heartlessly ripped from your arms in the snap of a finger.  It is a violent and physical separation...no mother should have to endure such pain.  No mother should have her child taken from her.   Nothing is the same.  Your world is shattered to its very core.  The woman you once were has disappeared, and you wait, wondering.... what will the new woman be like when she finally emerges from the depths of darkness she is in?  Will she emerge in one piece?  Will she be able to love again, like she once did so freely?  Will her family and friends know her?  Will anyone recognize her?  Will everyone still be there, no matter how long it takes, waiting for her?
     There is a lot of lonliness in grief, but losing my little boy, Ryan....this is the loneliest journey of my life.