So many times I want to sit down, writing all the thoughts and feelings which swirl through my mind and heart each day. But I find my mind is fragmented, making writing a challenge. I can't seem to capture the words to express all that is happening within, and to me. I suppose this fragmentation is a painful reflection of my heart.
When Ryan's birthday came, I felt the walls thicken, growing even stronger. I shut myself in, walking through the day in darkness and fear....fear that the pain would somehow find a way to escape. If I started crying, I may not stop this time, and I found that paralyzing. The wishes, prayers, and love of those who dared to acknowledge his birthday to me, are literally what carried me through the day. For that I am grateful. The six month anniversary, Easter, and the 7 month anniversary have all come since then. Sadly, I still feel the lingering paralysis from that first birthday without him...the day he would have been 17.
Each day I force myself up and face the day, whether I am ready or not. Every evening, I process the emotions of the day, which often times leaves me in complete exhaustion. The world has changed for me, for my family, and we all struggle to understand and accept our new reality. Words could never adequately express what our hearts have been required to endure.
My spiritual growth has taken me places many people would not believe. But because of my deep faith, and love for Ryan, I have been gifted with a new understanding. Seeing what I have seen, my faith has grown even deeper then I ever dreamed possible. As a result, God has been taken right out of the box...the box so many of us put Him in, although we don't realize we've done it. For those gifts, I am eternally grateful. I have been shown, and given gifts, which will carry me through the rest of my life, only to better prepare me for what awaits when I go Home. Home...a place I look forward to returning to. This has been the gift I have been blessed with throughout this unspeakable sorrow.
Despite this precious gift, I am a human. I am a woman who has lost her child, at too young an age. I am a mother who takes care of my other kids, all of my daily responsibilities, goes to work each day....yet cries when I am alone and no one can see. I am only just learning to share my pain with those close to my heart...in little bits and pieces, as that's all I can bare at any given moment. I have strength beyond measure, but am still completely overwhelmed by the grief of losing Ryan. I am human, I am a grieving mother, and although I know it's not possible...sometimes I cry out to God to please give me back my little boy. It is in these moments I am painfully aware...this journey has only just begun.
