The Second Thanksgiving....

     For many different reasons, we decided to stay home for Thanksgiving, surrounding ourselves in the peace of our own home.  Sean and Kaitie were at their dad's house, so it was just the four of us.  I spent the day cooking, trying to stay focused on that alone.   It was very nice, and I thought I had gotten through it quite well overall.  The older kids came over in the evening, which was very comforting.  When I went to bed I realized how much I had controlled my emotions and thoughts that day.  How I deliberately tried to focus on what was at hand, versus what I was missing.  I had succeeded, but when I lay in the quiet, I could not escape the sadness of what was missing...Ryan.  I felt so deeply sad as I lay there in the realization that holidays would never be as they once were.  How do I deal with that?
     Today, I started pulling out the Christmas decorations.  I knew if I didn't get that ball rolling quickly, I wouldn't want to do it at all.  Last year as I began that process, I was doing it to make things as normal for the other kids as I could.  Today as I did it, I felt it was more of a habit then anything.  I moved slowly, felt very anxious inside, and just wanted to do what I had to do...and do it alone.  I remembered how I would always play Christmas music and make a fun day of decorating.  It felt so joyful to fix the house up...it brought comfort, peace, and love to all of us.  Today I just went through the motions...AGAIN, going through the motions.  I heard the neighbors doing lights outside, all together in laughter and completeness.  I remember those days, and that complete joy.  Although I can remember the joy, I can't remember what it felt like anymore.  That is the sad reality of what has happened to my heart.  I have spent most of the day crying, as I pushed myself through, doing what I needed to do...making things as normal as I could for everyone else.
     We often took family pictures at this time of year and used it for our Christmas card.  We haven't taken a family picture since Ryan died, and quite honestly, I don't know when I will ever be able to do that again, if ever.  How do you take a family picture when one of your children is now gone?  
     I spend most of the first year making sure my kids and husband were alright, at least as alright as they could be.  I continue to do this, but I also spend more time looking within.  I must say, it's a very sad place to look.  I realize I am still taking One Small Step At A Time.  I don't know that I have made any progress with this grief...I don't know if that's even possible?  I have gone through all "the firsts", and here it is the second Thanksgiving.   It honestly feels worse then it did last year.  I genuinely believe that has something to do with the shock factor, and the protection that provides.  Maybe part of it is also the fact that since it's been a year, many people naturally assume you are better.  Maybe it's both?  I really don't know, and to be honest, I guess it really doesn't matter...it just is.   Life feels very lonely right now.
     I look at this picture, and I realize things will never be whole for me again.  One of my babies is gone, and a large part of me went with him.  So events which focus on family...Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, Birthdays, family gatherings....all just magnify the fact that life is NOT the same...it will never be again.  Ryan is gone, my son has died, and that has forever changed me, and my life.  Today I am really feeling the devastating pain of that reality.