Ryan was blessed to have many brothers and sisters. He was loved by all of them, and loved them in return. When he died, a part of them died as well. I know this is their journey to take, much like my own, but as a mother you can't help but feel their pain....suffering in the realization that this heartbreak is one you can't heal. Like myself, they each have a journey to take, and although we can support each other along the way, they will ultimately walk the road alone. How does a mother accept her child is hurting and she can't fix it? I know every mother asks this question, but when a child dies...a brother, the question cuts much deeper.
I have witnessed great sorrow with my kids. I have heard the painful cries of brothers and sisters when they heard the news that their brother died. I have seen the endless tears. I have felt the unexplainable anger spilling out of them as they yelled through their cries. I have seen their unforgettable anguish as they said their final goodbyes. I have helplessly listened to their cries ......"I just need something to make me happy again....Am I ever going to stop feeling so sad?.....I just want Ryan back, that's all I want.....I miss him so much.....Is this really happening?.....I can't deal with this pain.....I don't have anyone to talk to.....I'm all alone.....I don't want to cry, so I hold it inside.....I can't deal with this, so I try not to think about it.....Why Ryan?.....I want to be with Ryan, I just want to die..... Each cry has broken my heart a little more, yet I encourage the tears and desperate cries, because I know they need to let these feelings out. I know they must walk through the pain to get to the other side, even when it feels like it will completely consume them. Yet with this knowledge, I also know the fear that can leave you paralyzed.
Why is my heart so heavy? Because I know they must all walk this painful journey, and I can not walk it for them. No mother wants to see her child hurt...the instinct is to make things better again. For the first time in my life, there is nothing I can do to make any of this better. I am as helpless as my children. I am broken too. For a moment I think I am failing them somehow, but then I realize I am letting them see me in my brokenness, letting them see the woman I am, the mother I am....is honestly sharing your heart with your child failing them? I don't think it is. At least I hope not.
What I can do is try to give them hope. Hope that there will be a tomorrow, that Ryan will always be with us, and we will feel joy again. We will probably never get over this, but we will learn to rise from the ashes and live again. It will never be the same, but that doesn't mean there won't be happiness. But for now, while hearts are still aching, I just pray that my kids know I am here. That they know I am always the safe place they can fall. That even though I am broken inside, I am never too broken to hold them in their pain. That I need them as much as they need me. That I am their mom....and although I am grieving the loss of one child, it does not mean my love for my other children is any less.
I love my kids, and because of this love, I will always carry their pain, no matter how much pain I am feeling myself. I hope their hearts know this to be true.
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