The Comfort Of The Ocean....

      We all need a place to run...a place where we feel safe from the hurts of the world....a safe place to fall.  The ocean has always been a place of peace, spiritual growth, comfort....a place where God always holds me.  If ever I needed held by God, it's now.
     I was blessed to have had a couple of days there, thanks to the generosity of my brother.  As soon as I saw the raging sea, my chest opened up, and for the first time since Ryan died....I felt like I could breathe again.  I knew I needed to be there, and I'm sure God knew it as well.
     For my entire adult life, I have run to the ocean when I was in need, when I felt turmoil inside, when I needed peace, when I wanted to feel close to God.  Watching the majestic waves always makes me feel the power and wonder of God...helping me remember, He is in control.  Although I don't always understand the reasons for things, I am able to somehow let go a little and trust things will be OK.  Perhaps this is the peace that seeps into my heart when I stand before the ocean, watching waves crash against the rocks and cliffs.  As I watch the waves roll in and out, I am reminded of change, of life constantly moving, of love coming and going....and coming again, of pain and joy....I am reminded that nothing stays the same, no matter how much we wish it could.  Yet, I am also reminded of how things do stay the same.
     This is the first time I have ventured out since Ryan died...I went where God was calling me, where He always calls me.   I wrote notes to Ryan in the sand, I looked for hearts in the sky, I talked to Ryan, I talked to God, I cried, I sang "Testify to Love" over and over as I walked along the beach....tears streaming down my face.  In doing these things, I was reminded I need to nurture my heart right now, as it is broken, and needs the tenderness and comfort only God can give.  The ocean is the one place I surrender, and really allow God to hold me in my brokenness.  As I returned home, the anxiety and fear began to build, the tears began to fall, and I knew I must return soon.   I will return to the ocean, I will allow God to hold me again, I will feel Ryan with me....and I hope each time I go I can build a little more strength within to continue to endure and move forward.   The comfort of the ocean for me, is in fact, the comfort of God.