*God's Will vs My Own....

My entire life I have questioned God's Will for me, for my family, and for my life.  There have been so many times I had a plan, the way I felt my life should go.  Sometimes life would move that direction, other times God had another plan.  Needless to say, His plan always prevailed, even if I was kicking and screaming!  I have always tried to do what I felt was right, what I felt God wanted me to do, even if I didn't agree.  Sometimes His message was gentle, other times it hit like a bolt of lightening.  This is one of those latter times!  But this is, by far, the most heart piercing plan I have ever been asked to walk through.

I know in my heart losing Ryan was part of God's plan...I know that because of the dream I had.  I constantly remind myself of that, as it's the only glimmer of sanity I can find in my otherwise shattered life.  I can not understand why God would take my baby from me at such a young age?  Why my Ryan?  Why does He want me to walk this unbearable, painful journey?  Why has He chosen me?   How do I survive this and ever feel joy in my heart again?  His plan has broken me.  

The battle rages in my heart.  I know there is a reason, and I also know we are told not to question His will.  But when your child is taken from your arms, you WILL question.  Not only do you question, you want answers!  Despite these feelings, I question with an open heart.  I am desperate for answers, and open to any good, any blessing, that can come from the death of my young boy.  God's will was not mine this time....and this is the most painful, demanding, and seemingly impossible thing God has ever asked of me.  Again, I ask....why has He chosen me?