*Relentless Questioning....

When you lose someone, anyone, you are often left with questions of how you could have changed things, prevented things, or done things differently.  When you lose a child, the questions are relentless, cutting so sharply into your heart.  Whether it's an accident, a suicide, or natural causes, as a mother you are flooded with questions.  As a mother your job is to love, nurture,and protect your child from harm.  When they die...somehow you have failed them.  Ryan died of acute hemorrhagic pancreatitis.  The medical examiner told me he could not have eaten dinner if this had started before bed.  In his opinion, Ryan had a perfectly healthy pancreas, and in a matter of several hours, it had failed him.  He assured me there was nothing I could have done, or no way to know.  My first question to the Dr, as I cried in fear,...was he hurting?  As his mom, I couldn't handle the idea that my little boy was hurting and I was not there to help him.  To hold him.  No one can say for sure, but it is assumed because his pancreas was failing, his sugar levels went so high he probably went into a coma and didn't know what was happening.  As much as my head tells me this is probably true, my heart still questions.  Was there something I could have done?  Did he know what was happening?  Was he scared?  Why didn't my motherly instincts tell me something was wrong?  Why didn't they tell me my baby had died?  My son died alone, in his bed, and I find that very hard.  In my head I know he wouldn't have chosen a different place.  He loved his room, his bed, and living with me.  He has told me this many times.  I just need my heart to embrace what my head knows already, but for whatever reason, this is not easy to do.  The questions run relentlessly through my heart.  I know we all wish we could have a peaceful death...to die in our sleep sounds like a gift.  But in my heart, a mother's heart, my baby was alone and I wish I could have been holding him as he went from my arms into my dad's.  Hold him in My love, as God took him into His.