Memories and Emptiness....

Today has been very hard.  When I stop and allow myself to feel, it is almost overwhelming.  It seems it would be easier to always surround myself with people to distract me, but I know I need to be with the intense lonliness I feel as well.  A very isolated, lonely, and frightening place to be.  People say to think of the good times, the happy memories, and that will help me.  I understand the idea of that, but it's not always the reality.  Right now, in this moment in time, those very memories that brought so much joy to my heart, bring nothing but emptiness and tears.  I miss Ryan and there is nothing that makes that better, nothing that lightens the heartache I feel.  I miss my everyday interactions with my little boy.  The hugs, the talks, the laughter, him asking me to cut his hair all the time, asking when dinner is ready, asking for a ride somewhere, his friends coming over as they all ate the night away, his honesty in sharing things with me, his genuine concern if he saw me cry, his need to somehow make my tears turn into laughter again, his footsteps down the hall each night as he came to wash his face, the way he would so freely tell me he loved me, the way he would smile when I told him, his playfulness, his perfectionist side, his carefree attitude, his ever growing confidence in himself, watching him ride his bike down the street as he headed to friends, his sweet voice, and his beautiful face, with big blue eyes, that I love so much.  One day all these memories may bring joy again, but for now, all they bring are emptiness, tears, and a gut wrenching need to have my Ryan home with me again.