The day my life changed forever.

It was September 22, 2010.  The day started like any other, but events would unfold which would forever change the woman I am.  At 9:35 am I received a phone call that literally took my breath away.  My husband was on the phone, sobbing, telling me that Ryan was not breathing.  The first thing I asked him was if Ryan felt cold....the answer shook my soul.  I remember bending over in anguish, saying "I can't do this" as my friend stood by to be sure I could.  We immediately left the classroom and she drove me towards home, not knowing where they would take Ryan.  On that drive, the longest drive of my life, I talked to my husband numerous times. Each time he informed me they were still working on Ryan and finally told me where they would be taking him.  I then called Ryan's dad and brother, who immediately were on their way.  We arrived at the hospital before Ryan, so I waited for the ambulance.  I will never forget the sound of the distant sirens, knowing they were sounding so they could bring me my son.  As I watched the ambulance pull in, I walked to the doors so I could see my baby.  They pulled him out, while I watched them continue to push his chest and pump breaths into his lifeless body.  I will never forget that image.  Within 10 minutes, a doctor came out in tears, and told me they couldn't save him.  I knew in my heart he had died prior to arriving, so this news confirmed my instincts.  I immediately went in to see him.  A breathing tube still inserted, he lay there, motionless.  I could not believe this was happening.  Not My Ryan....

I remembered a dream I had 2 nights before and knew the answer to my question was right in front of me.  I had a dream with my dad, who had died almost 12 years ago.  I have often asked to dream of him, as I wanted so badly to see him again.  But in all these years, not one dream blessed my sleep.  On September 19, my dad came to me.  There was a white door in front of me.  I opened the door, and there stood my dad.  In my dream I did not know he was dead, but I did have the incredible of feelings of joy when I saw him.  He stood smiling at me, in his usual attire, hair combed nicely, as if he were going to church.  I remember looking at him and thinking how wonderful he looked.  He had never looked better and in my eyes, was actually radiating beauty.  It was amazing.  I invited him in to "meet our newest one" and picked a baby off a bed.  I laid the baby in his arms, he smiled, and I woke up.  For the next 2 days I tried to figure out who I was handing to my dad, as I knew the dream meant something.  As I stood and looked at my Ryan in the hospital, I realized instantly I had placed my baby, Ryan, into my dad's arms.

I went outside, and again, I phoned his dad in route.  I will never forget the painful cries I heard from their car as I shared what had happened. I called my mom, who immediately went to my house to take care of the younger kids.   I waited outside, as my husband was bringing Kaitie, and I needed to tell her what happened.  When they pulled in, she walked towards me in fear, and I told her.  She began crying and I held her in her pain, trying so hard not to show my own.  My friend took my girls home and I went back in to be with Ryan.   I cried, I touched his soft face, rubbed his thick hair I loved so much, lifted his eyelids so I could look into his eyes one last time, and held his hand.  Tears streamed down my face as I sat there in total disbelief.  Shortly after, Ryan's dad, his girlfriend, and my 20 year old arrived.  My son was so angry, yelling at the nurses for not doing their job.  His pain, as he looked at his brother lying there, was piercing to my heart.   He went outside, and my husband followed him.  We took care of "the business" that needed to be taken care of, and we went home.  Home to a house full of family, friends, love, and support.  Some of  his friends stopped by, in painful tears.  I held them all, somehow finding strength within so I could comfort them.  They were so loving, so hurt, so young.  When they left, I went into my house so full of people, yet it felt so empty.   I was forever a changed woman.