The physical goodbyes....

September 24, 2010 was the day that my family saw Ryan for the last time here on earth.  I went early so I could dress him.  I was the first person in his life to dress him and felt a very strong need to be the last.  Seeing the scars from the autopsy was not easy, but I was taking care of my little boy, so I endured.  It was very important for me that that his brothers and sisters not see the scars and see the brother they love, so I dressed him in a black tshirt and a pair of jean shorts.  He looked just like my Ryan always looked, in a sad sort of way.  Before everyone got there I had Fr Ryan, an old family friend, come and bless my baby.  He prayed over him, blessed him, and we prayed together.  Ryan would have liked that.  When the family came in there were tears, anguish, hugs, dispair....a pain I could not take away or make better.  We all were carrying it, in our own ways.  Each person took their turn and went up to be with Ryan and say whatever their heart needed to say.  Very tender moments for each person, very painful, very private.  I went up when everyone left and spent time with my baby.  How was a mother suppose to walk away and leave her child with strangers?  How was I suppose to go home, knowing he would not be there?  How was I to leave him knowing I would never hold him again or hear his sweet voice?  How is a mother suppose to do this?