I have never been good at asking for help, no matter what the circumstances. But this time, I have been broken to a place where I am more then willing to accept help. I have been broken to a place where I feel helpless. People are reaching out and giving so freely and selflessly, that is amazes me. What amazes me more, is my ability to accept it. For the first time in my life, I am accepting from others without question, simply gratitude. If you know me, you know this is not typical for me. It's easy to give, hard to receive. I am also taking things very slowly as I know one step at a time is all I can handle. I have never been one to look after myself the way I should, but I find myself doing that very thing I never knew how to do. God has taken me down to my knees with pain, and down here is where I have learned to care for myself and accept from others.
During the past month, the longest month of my life, I have had whispers from God, whispers from Ryan, whispers from my dad. Just enough to give me hope, to keep my faith alive, and to help me get out of bed each day. The first whisper was the dream I had about my dad before Ryan died. I think of that dream often, it helps me understand that there was a plan, even if I can't accept or understand it. It simply reminds me that my little boy is in heaven with my Dad now, even though I wish he was here. I turn to the dream often just for comfort.
On the Friday when my family saw Ryan that last time (and I thought my last time), I had pleaded with Ryan to let me know he was happy and OK. That night I went to the Middletown HS vigil for Ryan. They gave me a candle, with a card attached to the candle, which basically said, "Perhaps the stars are openings in the sky for our loved ones to shine down and let us know they are HAPPY." To top it off, at the end of the vigil, they ended by playing Amazing Grace, which was one of my dad's favorite songs. I knew again my dad was with him, and he was letting me know it loud and clear.
I have also seen numerous heart shapes in the clouds and sky. Not a shape I have ever seen in the sky before, but I see it often now. Ryan use to say "One Love, One Heart" so I know the hearts are Ryan letting me know he is happy and watching over us. He knows One Love now.
Rainbows have always been a sign for me, and sent in my most painful moments, filling me with hope. This has happened for years. One evening couple of weeks ago I received a text, and at the time didn't know who it was from. It had a picture of Jesus, and then a song started playing....."If I die young, bury me in satin. Lay me down on a bed of Roses. Sink me in a river, at dawn, send me away with the words of a love song. Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother. She'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors..." The song cut off right there. I knew it was another whisper, well actually, it was more like someone yelling!
I tracked down that song and put it on the CD for the memorial.
When I was working on the slideshow I had a lot of anxiety about it coming together perfectly....hoping Ryan would like it. One night I had a dream. In front of me was the computer with the slide show, the projector, and off in the distance was Ryan dancing, looking at me, and singing "that's for me." I woke up immediately after he sang that....I knew he was letting me know he was watching and he approved!
Then the night before the one month anniversary of Ryan's death, I pleaded with God to let me know what time Ryan died. As a mother, I needed to know. I know it was sometime before Russ found him, and I just needed that answer. That night I had a dream. I was walking along a road with tons of mailboxes. On each box were the numbers for the house I suppose. As I walked and looked at all the numbers I was passing, all of a sudden everything started to get dark, and a light shone down from the sky, lighting up 3 numbers. I knew instantly this was the time Ryan had died. I woke up the next morning, the anniversary of his death, 1 minute before he had died.
These are the whispers I speak of. The shimmers of light which let me know that God knows I am hurting and He hears me. The promise He will carry me through this. The shimmers of light which let me know Ryan is watching and pouring his love over me. The shimmers of light which tell me my dad is with my baby now. Although I am so grateful for each whisper heard, and know I will plead for more, there is still nothing I want more then to have my Ryan back home with me. The whispers from God, as powerful and beautiful as they are, do not take away the pain of a mother who has lost her child. Perhaps this is a pain which will never go away. A loss I will never get over, but perhaps learn to get through.
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