Working on the Memorial kept me breathing....

On September 25, 2010 I was already working on plans for the Memorial.  I needed a reason to breathe, and honoring my little boy in the way I felt he deserved to be honored, kept me breathing for the next 3 weeks.  The first thing I did was write a poem for his Memorial Card.  It poured out of my heart in the late hours of the night, so I typed it up and checked one job off the list.   Next was finding a place to hold the Memorial, which ended up being at the church I took Ryan to when we lived in Santa Rosa.  He loved that church...it was very alive and nurturing.  That job was done. 

Now for the date....after many calls to and from the church, the date which we came up with was October 15....the anniversary of the death of my grandmother (my dad's mom).  My dad completely loved his mother, and she loved him.  I think they shared the kind of love Ryan and I shared.  Since my dad came to get Ryan in my dream, I knew this date was somehow part of the plan.   I'm not sure what it all means, or the reasons God has, but I know this date was part of the plan He already had laid out.

Back to work......Ryan's dad agreed to take care of the food, working with the church, so that was something I didn't have to worry about.  I just told him I wanted LOTS of food as Ryan would love that....my boy LOVED eating!   I started collecting pictures from a photo album I had made for Ryan.  I had started one for each of my kids when they were born, so that when they were adults, I could give them an album or two of themselves during their early years.  My daughter, Shawndre, came over one night and together we picked pictures from these albums.  I then moved to all the pictures I had on the computer, as well as going through photos that his dad's girlfriend had given me.  I literally spent hours choosing photos, arranging them, and picking the perfect songs to send my little boy off with.  Love songs from me to him, yet songs that would hold meaning to all who cared to listen.  Most important, I knew Ryan would be listening and he would know why each song was chosen and why pictures played as they did.  Honoring Ryan was all I cared about during these three weeks.  Since meaningful music was carrying my heavy heart, I decided to make a CD to play prior to the service and at the reception.  I took songs from everywhere, and everyone, one again choosing songs that spoke from my heart.  The last thing to do was write my eulogy.  This was the hardest thing I have ever written.  What do I say?  Will I be able to even speak?  All I knew is I had to do this...I had to do it for Ryan, and from that powerful love is where my strength came.  The memorial was beautiful.  There were about 500 people there, once again, from all walks of life.   The tributes to Ryan were all beautiful and heartfelt.  Tears were shed, hearts ached.  The slideshow came off beautifully.  There was an abundance of food for everyone, which is how Ryan would have wanted it.  We honored Ryan just as I wanted it to be.  I couldn't have sent him off with any more love or respect.   I was grateful to all who came, to all who helped, to God for guiding me through the past 3 weeks, and to Ryan, for standing beside me as I spoke of him.  I asked him to help me get through it, and he did.  My baby was there for me.

The next day when I awoke I was filled with emptiness and sadness.  I gave my baby everything I had.....now I was left with the reality that he was gone.  I was broken.  I am broken.