The only place I feel safe and comfortable right now is within my home. Perhaps because Ryan lived, loved, and laughed here. Perhaps because he died within these walls, in the room Russ built just for him. Perhaps because his ashes are on my dresser, surrounded by pictures, gifts he made and wrote for me, and his baby book. Perhaps because I am simply not ready, or able, to face the world again without him.
I don't know when I will be ready. I only hope and trust when the time comes, I will know the time is here. I am listening to my heart and following my instincts, trying so hard to take care of myself in this brokenness. If ever I needed to take care of myself, now is the time. I am still in shock and disbelief. I just can't believe this is happening most of the time. Maybe shock is God's way of protecting my heart from the unbearable pain, of this devastating reality. Maybe I am not ready to fully face that pain yet. I don't know. Little pieces of this reality are all I can take at a time, I do know that. I also know, for now, all I can do is try to get through each day, write in this blog to help me explore and release my heart's feelings, and continue to talk to Ryan, asking him to help me.... all the while, watching the world go on without me....as I stand frozen in time.
Glenda Don't ever let anyone tell you that there is a time frame that you should be over this I always hated when someone told me that. Every person is different. My heart aches with you I just pray for peace and love to surround you. I love you.
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I too lost a child when she was 17. If my wisdom can be of any assistance, know that you never forget; but the pain, the numbness, the guilt.... all of it subsides... God is holding you in the palm of His hand... fragile as you are, you are in liminal space... a very teachable space to be with His grace. You have all the time in the world to heal.. embrace the love that surrounds you and leave the rest.
ReplyDeleteI pretend like life is moving forward. I attempt to find a normal again. It isnt there, it never will be. we will all have that gap, for those who were closest to him, the gap will be larger. But isnt that, in some twisted way, a gift? because you were that much closer to him. Ryan was my sunshine, on easter when the rain pored the only person I wanted to see was him. And at night when im close to falling asleep, i pray to God and thank him for my family. Thats when it hurts the most. Because its hard to say thank you when such a wonderful person is nothing more than a memory. I have such precious memories of Ryan that will never leave me. In a large way i have you to thank. You brought us Ryan, and you raised such an extraordinary and loving boy. I can't imagine my life with out him or you.
ReplyDeletelove you so much.
These is no time frame for grief. We lost my 31 year old brother to cancer on December 20, 2010. The grief is still fresh but for Mom, she is still at stage one of grieving and I know it is okay. She still thinks he is going to walk in the door any moment and she has left his room the way it was that October day he went into the hospital. He never came home after that because he died in the hospital. At home, she feels safe because she always has this feeling that he will walk in any minute even through in the back of her mind, she knows he is gone. She says that it feels like he is away on a trip and he will be home soon. I understand that her grief is so much stronger than any of ours. He was my brother for 31 years but he was her son for 31 years.
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