During the past months, my emotions have traveled on every realm possible. I have been in shock, in denial, in depression, in question of how I could have prevented this....but the one feeling I have not owned, not yet anyway, is anger. Being someone who does not like conflict, I am certainly not missing the anger stage. The other stages of grief seem to come and go, fluctuating back and forth, with no rhyme or reason. They come as they will, and for the sake of my sanity, I have learned to accept the unpredictable process.
I have watched my children's pain, my husband's torment, and carried my own consuming sorrow. None of us has any answers, but we manage to face each new day as it comes. My faith has been what I have leaned on, searched out, and depended on to hold me up when I felt I didn't have the strength anymore to endure. Ryan has shown me numerous times that he is still with me, which has given me more promise, peace, and hope then I could ever explain. He has taught me so much about faith and spirituality, and I will always treasure his gifts to me. I thank him every day.
I recently returned to work. With the support of my co worker, and many other friends, I survived the first week back. We are completely cleaning and rearranging our classroom for a fresh start. That room is where I stood when the call came, telling me Ryan was not breathing. I stood in that room when my world came crashing in around me. I stood there while sheer panic permeated throughout my entire being. I knew the classroom would hold a lot of painful triggers, so with the advice of a close friend, decided I needed to make changes in there immediately. Once the changes started, my friend (co worker) and I decided to clean the entire room. It may sound strange, but it has made walking into that room much more tolerable. It is hard enough to return to work...I knew I didn't need reminders and triggers of painful memories to haunt me as well. I also set an area up on my desk for Ryan. I have found that brings me comfort throughout the day. My heart is not with me at work, not yet anyway. For now, I am going through the motions... I have learned to do that very well over the past months. I am hoping in time, some of my heart and spirit will return with me as I head to work each day. Until then, I have accepted my return to work for what it is...a necessary step in taking care of my family. Without the support of my friends at work, I don't know if I would have made it through that first week. I will forever be grateful to all of them.
So many changes have happened in the past four months. I have been broken, I have felt the indescribable pain of losing a child, I have done what needed to be done to honor him, I have managed to get up each day (even when I didn't want to), I have somehow been there to love and support my family, I have faced those first holidays without Ryan, I have learned how to nurture my own heart and soul (taking numerous trips to the coast thanks to the support of my family), and I have recently returned to work...stepping back into the world that I don't feel a part of anymore.
Through all of this, I have survived. I am strong, and my faith is what carries me. Even with this faith, not a day goes by where I don't cry. Where I don't feel overwhelmed by the pain of missing Ryan. Where I don't wonder how I am suppose to live my life without him here. Where I don't question if I even want to. As a mother, I carry many questions. Is Ryan happy? Is he OK? Does he have friends? Is he scared being there without me? Does he need me? I should have been there first to welcome him, to be his security, and show him the glories of heaven...is he doing alright on his own? No matter how strong I am, or how deep my faith, these motherly questions come frequently. After all, I am only human. I am a mom who has lost her child far too soon....just trying each day to do the best I can do.
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