A New Year Arrives....

     As New Years Eve slipped in, I found myself feeling very reflective and confused.  I had just experienced the most painful and devastating year of my life, so I would have thought I'd be grateful to see it end. However, it was also the last year that I had Ryan here with me to love, and be loved by... I didn't know how to face a new year without him.  More then not knowing how, was the fact that I didn't want to.  He loved celebrating each new year, and that alone, filled me with sadness.
     I spent the evening alone, which in reflection, is exactly what I needed to do.   It was an opportunity for me to gently sit with my heart, and reflect on what Ryan has always meant to me.  To honor the powerful and loving impact he has had on my life...and continues to have.  It was a New Years Eve I chose to spend with Ryan...and I know he was here, right beside me.   I sat down and watched the video from Ryan's memorial...crying the entire way through.  I tend to hold my emotions inside, so I know the tears were meant to be shed.  After watching the tribute to his life, I turned on home movies of Ryan when he was little.  I watched my beautiful and quiet baby, blossom into a loving and playful little boy.  I remembered every detail, of every story, like it was yesterday.  I remember how it felt to hold him, to sing to him, to play with him, to kiss him, to take care of him, to share in his laughter, to know exactly what he needed at any given moment, to always be the one who could make his world the way it was meant to be...the way he deserved it to be.  As I watched, I witnessed the love we shared, the comfort we always found in each other, and the unbreakable connection we had right from the beginning of his life...all of which continued to strengthen and grow right until the day he died.   I smiled, I laughed, and I cried.   My son, at age 16, is dead...seriously??
     Soon after this I noticed it was snowing.  My daughter, Kaitie, was at her dad's and very upset she was missing the snow.  I told her perhaps it was a gift from Ryan... and I believed that.  After I shared that with her, she was very insistent that I send her pictures.  Not knowing if the snow would stick, I stayed up until 3 am taking pictures for her...if Ryan was sending a gift, which she felt he was, I would be sure she saw it!  The next morning, New Years Day, our entire neighborhood was covered in snow.  Snow...the pure and frozen rain from heaven.  Snow is something which has always brought tremendous joy to my kids, something which I have always loved with a passion, something which radiates heavenly beauty in my eyes, something which has always lifted my soul, and filled my heart...something, which now, was making me cry.
     A new year, a gift of snow sent from heaven...who could ask for more?  I could...because when this this New Year arrived, NOTHING felt right without Ryan.