As Each Day Goes By....

     The days seem to continue on, as if nothing in life has changed.  However, in my world...everything has changed. I try to get through each day, the best I can...one small step at a time.   
     I get up in the morning, and the first thing I think about is Ryan.  I hit the snooze button and lay there in the dark...thinking and wondering.  How I am suppose to survive this?  How do I help my kids work through the fears and pain they carry in their hearts?  When will the emptiness within be filled...or will it?  Will my heart ever feel joy again?   The reality of life, as I know it now, hits me right in the face with the dawn of each new day.  As I drive to work, I am guaranteed to cry at any given moment, and with no warning .  I have learned to accept this, so when it hits, I let the tears flow.  I try to put on the "I can do this" face as I begin the day.  Again, at some point during the day, I am guaranteed to cry again.  The days have become so long, and I find myself looking forward to the moment I can go to bed.  The moment I lay in bed, I thank God that I made it through another day.  I then pray with my entire heart and soul.  I ask God to hold my kids in their pain, to keep them safe, to show me how to lead them through this, to hold my husband in his sorrow, to take care of Ryan for me and fill his heart with happiness, and to fill my soul with wisdom...so that I may see and hear what this spiritual journey is teaching me.
     I have found that some days I walk around in a thick cloud.  I feel numb to everyone, and everything.  These days are almost a relief, as the sadness does not forcefully permeate through me, reminding me of how wrong the world feels now.  Then there are other days when I would give anything to feel numb.  On these days, the sadness of what has happened is utterly overwhelming.  My mind relives every painful detail, the anguish that no one could ever imagine fills me, and I find it myself filled with an indescribable sadness.  I try to distract myself from these feelings as quickly as I can, because in all honesty, those moments are overwhelmingly frightening.  Once more, when I lay in bed at night, I thank God I have survived another day...and the prayers begin.
     I have learned to accept each day, each moment, as it comes.  I know there is no manual or timetable to follow for grief...especially when you are grieving the loss of your child.  Although I question my strength, my stamina, and my ability to endure the rest of my life...I also acknowledge the fact that I am somehow surviving...day by day.   I am so grateful for this.  With the Grace of God, the transcending love of Ryan, and the love and support of my family and friends, I am surviving... as each day goes by.