My Return To Work....

     It has been almost 4 months since Ryan died, and I am now faced with the reality of my return to work.  As they say....ready or not.  Well, I'm not.  
     The past months have been a blur to me.  Although I remember exact details of the events which unfolded, the time is nothing but a painful blur.  I don't know where the time has gone, yet at the same time, it has also been the longest 4 months of my life.  I can't help but wonder if the rest of my life will play out in this slow motion, lifeless fashion?
     I have spent endless hours reading and searching for answers and understanding....so that my journey to acceptance will be easier.  I have prayed like never before. Through this searching, my spirituality has grown stronger, and my eyes have been opened wider then I could have ever imagined...but that's another blog!  I have been the steady force in this house, even though I didn't know which direction to move most of the time.  My husband and children have grown use to the security of my presence, although at times, I'm sure that presence seemed worthless.  I have had time to be with myself, I've learned to nurture my heart for the first time, I've been in prayerful meditation with Ryan and God, and I've been the listening ear and open arms when my husband, or one of my kids, fell crashing to the ground.  Now I have to walk away from the safety of my home.   I must return to the world I knew before Ryan died...a world which holds an entirely different place in my heart and life now.
     When your child dies, you are paralyzed.  Even though you go through the motions, to do only what has to be done, you are frozen within.  I made it through the holidays, and I'm not sure how I did it.  My heart wasn't in it, but I suppose the need to take care of my kids gave me the strength I needed to face the storm.  Life around me continued on, and for the first time, I was a spectator...not even having the desire to participate.  It took me 3 months to find the courage to walk into a grocery store.   How could life move forward when my Ryan was gone?  I still don't know the answer to that, but I know it does.  Sometimes I feel angry watching people around me moving on with their lives, as if nothing has happened.  Then I remind myself that of course the life of others must go on.  It is not their  child...it is mine.   I have tried to make sure the lives of my own children have gone on...I have tried.  In doing so, I make a point of keeping Ryan a part of our daily conversations, as well as a living force in this home.  With the older kids...they are keeping their lives moving forward, but it is clear to see they are also going through the motions.  Everyone is unsure of where their heart has gone, if it will ever heal, and how they will REALLY feel joy again with Ryan gone?  This loss is unimaginable, unspeakable, and has been completely devastating to each member of my family.  Our journey has only just begun.
     Me...I am afraid to return to work.  I am afraid to see faces of people I have not seen since Ryan died.  I am afraid of what my students will say to me.  I am afraid to walk into the classroom and look at my desk...the place I stood when I got the call telling me that Ryan was not breathing.  I am afraid to be in the room where I felt complete and utter panic, fear, desperation, and anger of being 40 minutes away from Ryan...when he needed me NOW.  I am so afraid of all those feelings rushing back to me and overwhelming me....like they are at this moment.
     I am not ready emotionally, but must return.   I suppose I will just go through the motions until my heart catches up with me....whenever that may be.  My priorities have changed, needless to say.  I have changed.  I still don't understand what that reality means, I just know it is.  I know my well being matters now, and I must continue to take care of me...or I will be no good to anyone.  I know my hurting family is at the top of my list, and I will keep them there, without feeling guilty if it interferes with work.  I always put them first, but would feel bad calling in sick.  No more...they come first because that is the way it should be, that is the way it needs to be.  They are what matters most, and right now, this entire family is walking around with shattered hearts.  You never know what will trigger the tears or pain, but without a doubt, they are always triggered.  My work has been extremely supportive, so I am hoping that comfort and support will continue upon my return, and for the months ahead...I'm sure it will.
      I guess I'm afraid because I don't know how to continue to take care of my heart, my family's hearts, and return to work.  The priorities are my husband, children (including Ryan), and myself.  I will give all I am capable of giving to my job, whatever that may be....I just hope it's enough.