Three Months Later....

     As I write this blog, I am moving into the time 3 months ago, when I saw and spoke to Ryan for the last time on this earth.  So many emotions are running through me, I don't know what to say.  I only know I need to say something, because the sadness is building and must be released.
     I don't know how grief is measured, or if it can be.  I know there is no timeline, no right way....only my way.  I don't know what "my way" is under these horrific circumstances, so I continue to take it one day at a time.  I have never been so shaken, thrown into such turmoil, or felt such heart wrenching anguish in my entire life.  There have been many times I have felt the ground beneath me ripped away....but in all those times, I have never felt completely broken like I do now.  My world was shattered 3 months ago, and I can honestly say, I am no better today then I was that fateful day of Sept. 22, 2010.  I am still broken, and am questioning when I will feel the pieces of my life are somehow coming together again...or if I ever will?
     After Ryan died, I managed to face what I had to do.  I did what needed to be done....made the painful phone calls, worked with his dad in making decisions and arrangements, dressed him one last time before his brothers and sisters saw him, and finally....I poured my heart and soul into his memorial.  It kept him close, and it was something I was doing in his honor...a gift to him.  When the one month anniversary came, I arranged to write notes and release balloons with his siblings...a way to help them, while honoring Ryan.  Then came Thanksgiving...I pushed through it, although inside, I wanted nothing to do with it.  Now Christmas is here, a time Ryan loved so much, and I have found the strength to push into this holiday as well.  Not for me, but for my family.  I knew how important it was to make things as normal as possible...whatever normal means anymore?  I am strong, I always have been.  I do what I need to do, no matter how much sadness my heart carries.  Because of this strength, I know I will continue to move forward, endure, and do whatever it is that needs to be done. 
     But underneath this strength, is a woman who has a broken heart.  A woman who will never get over this loss.  A woman who will never stop missing her little boy.  A woman who will always wish her son was still here.  A woman who will forever long to see her son's smile, and hear his voice again.  A woman who will always remember the joy Ryan brought into my life, into this family, and into the lives of so many.  Yet sadly, at the same time,  think of all the things he will never get to experience.  I am a woman who will never be the same person she was before...so perhaps I also grieve for the loss of me.
     I am a strong woman.  But I am also a broken woman.  I am a woman who is a mother....a mother who lost her child...a child much too young to die.  As I sit here with tears pouring down my face, I am certain of this...this pain is just as severe at 3 months, as it was the day it happened.  Perhaps it is worse now, because I am not protected by the physical and emotional responses that happen with shock.  All I have now is the harsh reality...a reality I find very hard to accept and live with.