Searching for Peace....

     Sometimes the turmoil inside is so strong, so overpowering, it seems as if there will never be a sense of peace again.  I am not expecting to find complete peace or acceptance....I know they will never be mine.  I don't imagine after losing a child you ever feel complete peace again...after all, your child is no longer with you.  However, a sense of peace is needed to move forward and allow you to breathe.  At least it is for me.
     My greatest peace comes from the ocean.   It is there I find some sort of comfort in this insanity, a small sense of peace...letting God's love and majesty completely surround and fill me.  Those visits are not nearly as often as I need them to be, but they do help while I'm there.  I have been reading a lot...again, searching for that sense of peace my heart desperately needs right now.  Books about faith, afterlife, near death experiences,  the paths of other people who have lost a child, etc....  I am so open to everyone's ideas, thoughts, and feelings... passing no judgement on the journey they are on. 
     I know how hard life can be, and how much we all need peace in our hearts.  When you lose a child, you are thrown into a very lonely, quiet, and seemingly impossible place.  It takes every bit of strength to get out of bed each day and try to resume a semi normal life for the rest of your family.  All the while, nothing feels normal within yourself.  I don't even know what normal is anymore?  I don't know how I am suppose to function in the world as I did before?  I don't know when this overwhelming feeling of sadness will ever lighten?  I don't know when I will feel joy in my heart again... or if I will?  Nothing is the same, nothing feels right...I am a mother who has lost her child.  Even now, I can not seem to wrap my head around that reality.
     I continue getting up each day.  Sometimes I feel like I'm numbly walking through the day, other times I know I am barely  crawling.   I continue trying to meet the needs of my family, although I'm sure I fail them in many ways.  While I go through the motions, deep in my heart... I am fighting and frantically searching for some sense of peace.