As Christmas Approaches....

     Decorations are up, shopping is nearly done, and presents are under the tree.  Despite all of this, my heart is painfully empty.  As Christmas approaches, the sadness in my heart seems to grow stronger...which I didn't think was even possible at this point in my life.  It is almost becoming too much to endure...which leaves me questioning my strength and ability to survive this journey I have been forced to take.  I am filled with endless tears and an overwhelming anguish...an anguish I can not even begin to describe.
     Christmas has always been my favorite time of year.  The birth of Jesus, the music, the decorations, the warmth of family, and most of all...the love which people seem to give to each other so freely.  I always thought it was sad that people didn't carry that love throughout the rest of the year, but at the same time, did feel grateful for the time it was here.  What use to be my favorite time of year, is proving now to be a time of devastating sadness and loss.
     Ryan always loved Christmas, and his brothers and sisters did too.  They love the decorations, the excitement of Santa, and the feeling of love that seems to be everywhere.  If I had no other children , I would have crawled into my bed this year, hiding from the world.  But...I do have other kids, and because of that, I need to find a way to bring joy into their hearts.  This Christmas will be hard on Ryan's brothers and sisters too, so it's my job to do all I can to create a normal Christmas....all the while not knowing what normal is anymore?
     I bought a small fiber optic tree and wrote Ryan's name at the base.  I have placed two pictures of Ryan on each side of the tree.  It is my way of paying tribute to him, and keeping him with us in a way everyone will notice.  I know he will be in our hearts, but I feel there needs to be something special to look at...something which honors his life and his spirit with us.  The fiber optic tree radiates like a rainbow, the symbol of hope God has always shown me in my darkest hours...the promise that things would be OK.  I need that promise right now, so I brought it into my home, and called it Ryan's tree.
     I try to be excited for the kids, although I don't always succeed.  I did everything I could to make the house look the way it always looked for Christmas, which took every bit of strength I had.  I forced myself out into the world to buy gifts, even though I ended up breaking down during those shopping times.  I am doing all I can to make Christmas right for my other kids, but deep within my heart...I feel nothing but emptiness and sorrow as this first Christmas without Ryan approaches.