Five Months Later....

     As I begin to write, I reflect deeply upon the past 5 months.  As each anniversary approaches, I remember every detail... the evening before Ryan died, the last words we shared together,and the unforgettable moments of September 22, 2010.  Whether I want them to or not, these memories forcefully come flooding into my heart on the 22nd of each month.  I also reflect on the journey thus far, examining each step my family and I have taken along the way.  I remember each tear shed, each tear hidden, the fears which have surfaced, the anger which has risen, and the overwhelming sadness which has consumed each and every one of us at various times.
    I remember when Ryan died...although I did not know what was ahead of me, or how I would manage to survive, I instinctively knew I would never be the same woman.  When I look over the past 5 months, this is something which now resounds through me...I am NOT the same woman, and never again will I be.
     A specific area of change which seems to consume my thoughts the most at this time, is the fact that I no longer feel real joy or happiness.  I may smile, or even laugh on a rare occasion.  But despite these appearances, and/or surface feelings, my heart does not feel the joy it once did.  It does not feel the happiness which permeates through your heart and soul, making the world seem right.  This is no way is a reflection on my other children, I love them all as intensely as I did before.  In fact, I am sure they pay the price of the changes in me.  For that, I am sorry.  I continue to give them all I have left, but I'm afraid it may not be enough.
     It use to be that whatever pain I experienced, whatever challenges I faced... I did it with the certainty I was strong, my heart was whole, and I was blessed beyond measure.  From this, I had the knowledge that my life was complete, and I would be happy again, no matter what the current challenge may have been.  I am not that same person.  I may be strong, but my heart is certainly not whole.  What use to be complete in my life, is now torn apart.  A part of me died with my son, and I am left fragmented.  How could my life ever be complete again with one of my children gone?  How could my heart ever feel whole again after losing one of my babies?  How could I ever experience real joy or happiness, when there is an eternal sadness and longing in my soul?  
     I sometimes think I miss the fulfillment of complete happiness.  But in all honesty, I don't even remember what it genuinely feels like.  My world has changed so much, the woman I am has been so altered, that I honestly don't remember how it felt to be "me"  before Ryan died.  Sad thing is, I don't even have the desire to feel complete joy or happiness anymore.  I don't have the longing to do things which once brought me pleasure.  I won't pretend to know how I will feel 6 months from now, or six years.  But what I do know is this...at 5 months, this is who I am.  Right now, this IS me.