As I write this letter to you, I reflect with deep love, on all the birthdays I was blessed to have you with me. I remember your first birthday, I remember your last. Your "last birthday" came far too soon. With each year, although themes and presents would change, one thing was constant...I was always so happy to be celebrating your life. Your life, your importance in mine and all who knew you, was always a reason for celebration. Your 17th birthday has arrived...only this time you are not here with me.
I always tried to think of ways to make you feel special, gifts that I knew would make you happy. I found such joy in these simple things because I knew they would bring you happiness. To see you smile, always filled my heart with complete joy. This year I am simply lost. For the first time, I don't know what to do on March 17th. I don't know how to keep from crying. I don't know how to celebrate "your day" without you here, but I know I must. I don't know how to make the day good for your brothers and sisters, when I feel such a longing and sadness within. I know I need to do something, because they need to understand your life will always be worth celebrating. I'm sure I will find my way, knowing you are with me.
My sweet Ryan...I want you to know how much I love you. How much I miss having you here each and every day. How much I miss your footsteps walking down the hallway every evening as you went to wash your face. How much I miss your asking me what's for dinner? How much I miss the late night sounds of the microwave, as you made yourself a snack before bed. How much I miss your examining your hair after I gave you a haircut. How much I miss our talks in your room. How much I miss driving in the car with you and just visiting with each other. How much I miss your openness with me. How much I miss the way you would light up at Christmas. How much I miss your excitement when we went on vacations. How much I miss your eyes, your hair, your smile, and your hugs. How much I miss hearing you tell me you love me. Just how much I miss all of you, and the completeness you brought into my life... just by being you.
I also want to tell you how much I respect and admire you. You were young when you left, but your soul was old. You taught so many how to live. You loved without conditions, you gave without expecting, you accepted without judgment. You held strong to your beliefs and convictions, and I admire that in you. You made me proud...you continue to make me proud.
So on your 17th birthday, March 17, 2011, I celebrate and give thanks for your life. I celebrate the gifts you gave so freely, to all you met. I celebrate the "one love"...which was you. I celebrate your heart, your soul, your spirit. I thank God for you. Happy Birthday my little boy...I love you. I love you completely and for all eternity. Being your mom is a sacred gift and a profound honor in my life... I deeply thank you for being my sweet and loving Ryan.
Mom
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