The First Valentines Day....

     I am amazed, yet not, at how hard the First Valentines Day without Ryan  was for me.  I thought perhaps if might be difficult, since the day's focus is love, but I never dreamed it would take my breath away.  I never imagined I would spend the entire day fighting tears....sometimes successful, sometimes not.  Throughout the day, I reflected on past years... the knowledge of why this day was so hard, became very clear.
     I realized today that my feelings about Valentines Day are very different from when I was younger.  Prior to having kids, the "couple love" was Valentines Day in my heart.  Having that one special person who loves you.   Once I had kids, what I consider the real meaning, seemed to take on a whole new life of its own.  I have always made it a priority to make sure Valentines Day was special for my kids. I wanted them to know no matter what was happening in their lives, I would always be that "one special person"  who loved them unconditionally.   I didn't want them to think it was only about the love that a couple shares, but rather the love that friends share, a family shares, and a mother shares with her children.  Whether they were in a relationship or not, it felt important for  them to understand this day is about love.  A day to honor those you love...a day to honor love.  More importantly, I wanted them to know how VERY MUCH they were loved by me.  So in my typical fashion, I went out and bought little gifts for the kids...except Ryan. That is when I first realized this day would not be easy.
     We celebrated Valentines Day on Saturday, thinking that might make today easier for me...it didn't.  I gave my kids their gifts, which they received in their usual excitement.  The younger kids celebrated like it was Christmas, and the older kids understood what it all meant.  In their wisdom and sweetness,  I missed Ryan.  I missed the way he would smile at me when I handed him his gift.  As simple as it was, he knew how much love was behind it.  He got it, appreciated it, and what really mattered the most to me...he KNEW how deeply I loved him.
     Today I felt empty. I was in a classroom of excited students, and I felt no joy.  I literally counted the minutes, knowing the day couldn't end fast enough.  My mom stopped by at one point to drop off gifts for my kids.  She told me she put a Valentine for Ryan next to a picture of him.   A mother's heart is so loving, nurturing, and thoughtful.  It meant so much to me, that once again, she was keeping my little boy alive.  
      As the students passed out their treats and cards, I remembered how much Ryan enjoyed doing that when he was little.  I remembered sitting with him and helping him address all of his cards.  I remembered how I had to get cards with candy or stickers, because he needed them to be special.  I remembered how he would come home and go through all the cards, and eat only some of the candy.  I remembered how much he loved his valentines gifts from me, or maybe, just the fact I always gave him one.  I remembered how much I loved him, and how much he loved me.  I thought of how much I still love him, and how much he still loves me.  In these moments of reflection, I painfully remembered how deeply I miss him, and how very wrong the world feels without him in it.
     This was my First Valentines Day without Ryan....