Living the Could Have Beens....

     It's hard to believe that Kaitie is now the same age Ryan was when he died.  Time continues on, and with it, comes new challenges we must all face.
     We just passed the anniversary of Ryan's death.  This year held a lot of added anxiety due to Kaitie's age.  It was hard for her...hard for me.  We talked about the turmoil this was causing, and faced the fears which it brought...together.  I have always had close relationships with my kids, and this was one of those times I felt very grateful for that gift.
     As Kaitie moves forward now, she will be living all the "could have beens"  Ryan never had the opportunity to experience.  She has gotten her license...Ryan never had the chance.  She has purchased her own car...Ryan never had the chance.  As I watch her take these normal steps in life, I celebrate her joy, but also feel a solemn sadness within.  Being the first sibling to follow in Ryan's steps, she carries with her all the the things that could have been for Ryan.  
     I have thought many times about the things Ryan would never do in his life.  As I watched his classmates take their senior pictures, go on their senior trips, and graduate...sadness filled me.  I thought it was past me after graduation...and then Kaitie turned 16.  I realize now I will be living a lifetime of "could have beens" as I watch her grow.  I have thought deeply about how to handle this.  I don't want to take away from Kaitie's joys and milestones, yet I can't hide what each step stirs deep in my soul.  I have accepted the fact that I will feel both joy and sadness as she journeys through her life.  I have decided to make each milestone extra special for Kaitie...as if she were living it for two.  Doing this has not taken away the sadness, but it has helped lighten the load.   I pray it continues to ease Some of the sadness as I move forward celebrating Kaitie's life, yet...Living the Could Have Beens."