The Third Christmas without Ryan....

     With a feeling of relief, I write that our Third Christmas without Ryan has come and gone.   I can't say it's easier, but I can say I am learning how to get through it with more grace.  I am learning how to survive a holiday that he loved so much....I'm learning to do it while carrying the endless ache for him in my heart.
     Over the past three years, I have learned what I need to do to somehow make Christmas tolerable for us all.  My kids have always come first, so making sure things were as close to normal is what I have tried to do.  The sad thing is, our normal is not the same, so we have all struggled in trying to find a new way. 
     Christmas is especially hard because it is a time of family, love, joy, and togetherness.  When a child is missing from that family unit, nothing is right.  How do we keep their spirit alive during this season so we can survive it?  How do we cope with an empty stocking or a tree that once held all of his special ornaments?  How do we decorate our house as we always have?  All of these things bring great pain and deep turmoil.  I knew things has to stay the same, yet also change, so we could all get through it.
     The first year we decided to write notes to put in Ryan's stocking.  My husband came up with that idea when I fell apart at the idea of not filling his stocking for the first time.  By doing this, his stocking would not be empty, but rather have something very special in it.  This gave us each the opportunity to give Ryan a Christmas gift, as well as have sacred time alone with him.  It seemed to help us all, and since then, each one of us looks forward to spending that special time with Ryan.   And I KNOW Ryan loves that time with us.  I keep the notes in his stocking all year....we add our new ones each Christmas.  I also place his stocking in the center, surrounding it by the stockings of those who love and miss him most.  Another way to honor him....a way to ease my heart.
     Last year, we decided to redesign our Christmas tree.  We all had our special ornaments that I have been getting the kids since they were little.  None of us felt good about putting them on the tree.  It caused a lot of sadness....it was something we needed to change. We all decided we would make our tree purple to honor him....Ryan's favorite color.  I completely transformed the tree and it has eased many hearts.  It's Ryan's Tree....the center of our home at Christmas.
     We use to leave the decorations up through the New Year, but I can't cope with that anymore.  Once I manage to make it through Christmas, I have to remove the holiday as quickly as I can.  I can't prolong a time that use to be complete joy....because it no longer is.
      I am relieved to have survived another Christmas.  It's sad to think it's about surviving it, but in all honesty, that's what most everything is about now.  I have done what I need to do to make it less painful for everyone, including myself.  These changes help us all to get through a time when Ryan is very heavy in our hearts.  A time he is so deeply missed.  The third Christmas without Ryan has passed....and I am relieved.