During the past year I have questioned my strength and endurance numerous times. What I considered to be strong before, doesn't seem to be strength now. What I use to see as weakness, now glimmers with the light of strength. When you are faced with the tragedy of losing a child, you are given a lifetime of challenges to overcome, or at least endure. In these challenges, you continually question yourself in every step you take. Am I doing this right, can I really survive, will I ever really feel joy again, am I helping my kids to endure what they should never have had to endure...do I have the strength?
Is it being strong to put your mask on and move forward as if things are normal...or is real strength removing that mask and letting everyone know you no longer have a normal existence? Is it being strong to stand upright with a smile on your face...or is real strength letting the tears flow, and anxiety show? Is it strong to celebrate the joy of your son's friends...or is real strength admitting that although you are happy for them, it breaks your heart that your son is missing out on all of the celebrations? Is it strong to act like it doesn't hurt deeply when people don't speak about your son anymore...or is real strength speaking up and saying you need them to talk about him...or at least acknowledge it when you do? Is it strong to pretend you're not hurt by those who don't reach out...or is real strength admitting you are, and then setting boundaries for yourself so you can't be hurt anymore then you already have been? Is it strong to forge forward on those days you can barely get out of bed...or is real strength staying in bed and allowing yourself to just feel the sadness you are so deeply afraid of? Is it strong to say your son is in a better place, at peace, and completely happy...or is real strength knowing this, yet still being able to say the pain of missing him is overwhelming, devastating, and all consuming? Is it strong to bravely face all your daily responsibilities...or is real strength taking time out to nurture your bleeding soul? What is strength in tragedy??
I don't know the answers, but I do know I have done all of the above. With the Grace of God, I am still here and manage to make it through each day. I continue to take life "One small step at a time"...praying I will find the strength to face each day with some sense of dignity and grace.
I just found your blog and haven't read through them all yet. Just finished this one and had to stop to share with you that I have been where you are and am still fighting to find a new normal in my life without my precious daughter who I lost the day after Easter in 2009. Her name was Stefanie, she was 21 yrs. old and once again I face her birthday tomorrow, not knowing what to do with the day and all the feelings that come up, not knowing how to go on and face the day as if life really has gone on without her. I still find myself separated from those I love in a way I cannot explain, I love them but feel like I'm not completely connecting with them on the deeper level that I want so bad. It's like I'm holding back, but not on purpose, or maybe I just can't go there yet.
ReplyDeleteJust wanted to connect with someone who knows what I have been through and may understand where I'm at and where my journey is leading to. My prayers are with you, asking God to help us on this path we travel and to give us faith and courage to lean totally on Him, knowing He will bring us through in ways that will give Him glory!