Another New Year....

     It's New Years Eve again...another one without Ryan here.  I look back over the past year and realize that although I remember so many details, I also remember nothing.  It is a year of my life which came and went, with little heart felt participation by me.  I did my best under the circumstances, so make no apologies.
     I have learned a lot over the past year.  I have learned what REAL friends are, and am FOREVER grateful for those people in my life.  I have heard people say they didn't know what to say...which I so genuinely appreciated.  I have also heard the deafening silence of others.  I have watched people endlessly try to show their support through words or actions... I have witnessed those who chose not to do either.  I have been blessed by people who freely and lovingly talk about, and listen to me, as I talk about my son...I have been deeply hurt by those who don't speak of him, or seem to listen as I do.  I have been greatly blessed by Ryan's friends...their love for Ryan has carried me through the darkest of days, and continues to do so.  They love, honor, and remember him always.  I could never thank them enough for showing me how important he was, and still is, in their lives.  In return, they have become very important in mine.  I have learned again how incredible my family is...they have been there, and continue to be there, as this painful journey continues.   They can't heal me, as much as they wish they could,  but they have shown me over and over that Ryan really mattered to them, and that my hurting heart also matters.  What a gift they have given me...Ryan would be proud.  
     Probably the greatest thing I have learned is to take care of myself...to love myself.  Being in such a broken place, you realize how important it is to take care of yourself...because you are so vulnerable and fragile.  I have learned to do things to nurture my spirit, and I do them.  Trips to the coast, writing my blog, time alone, allowing the tears to come, listening to my heart, etc...  I have learned who to let close, and who to keep distant...all out of doing what is best for my heart and soul.  I have learned to set boundaries...protecting my heart and the heart of my family.  I never tolerated judgmental people very well, but now I have no tolerance, so keep those people clear of my life.  I am learning that it does not matter what people think of me...something Ryan had already understood.  As Ryan once said to me..."I know my heart, and if someone is judging me and chooses not to see it, that's their loss."  In all of this, I am learning to love myself the way I know I am suppose to.  
     So as another new year approaches, I am feeling very solemn and nostalgic.  I am missing Ryan more with each day...what I thought would get easier, is in fact, getting harder.  In this sadness, I am also trying to see the gifts I have been given.  I know Ryan would want me to nurture and love myself...I KNOW that.  I will continue to try and do this...I want to make him proud.