Our First Family Vacation....

     I knew the time would come when we would take a family vacation without Ryan, but I didn't know how intense the pain would be until I got there.
     Sadly for us all, my selflessly loving mom died in June.  My sister asked me to come to Disneyland with them at Thanksgiving, as it would be her first time back there without my mom.  I wanted to help her, and I also knew my kids needed some joy in their lives.  We thought we would be helping each other to take a hard step for both of us, and knew my mom and Ryan would be so happy about that.  However, I knew in my heart I wasn't ready for this.  Disneyland was the last place we took a family vacation...WITH Ryan.  How could I go back to the place he loved so much WITHOUT him?  Despite my overwhelming fears, I knew we had to go.
     The kids were all very happy, so I felt I was doing the right thing for them.  I learned quickly that sometimes what is good for your kids, is not good for you.  Being a mom, you put your kids first in most situations.  Since Ryan died, I have tried so hard to do whatever was right for them, whatever I could do to help heal their broken hearts.  They had to come first...I needed to help them move forward, even though I didn't know how to do it myself.
     When we entered Disneyland, someone took a family picture of us.  When I looked at it, the first family picture without Ryan, I began to cry.  We have not taken family pictures since Ryan died, and it is very clear to me why.  That was the beginning of the end for me.  I literally cried my way through the happiest place on earth for three days!  I didn't know when it would happen, or what would set me off.  I just knew when it hit, I needed to walk off by myself.  I know the younger kids were in their own world and enjoying every second.  But the older kids, they saw the pain in me, they understood it...they carried it as well. 
      When I look at this picture of Sean and Kaitie at Disneyland, I see my two beautiful children...but I also see the one who is missing.  Does anyone else see what this mother's heart sees?  Instead of Ryan's "light up the world" smile next to his brother and sister's smiles, his ashes are in the tattoo in Sean's arm.  What has happened to my once perfect and complete family?  
     I feel somehow I let everyone down this vacation.  My sister, who asked me to be there...I was emotionally unavailable to her.  Sean and Kaitie, who needed joy more then anyone...witnessed their mother's heart break all over again.  My husband, who wants nothing more then to wash away all my pain...saw how deep it actually was, how successfully I hide it, and how helpless it leaves him.  
     I learned that I do keep so much of this sadness buried within.  It's the only way for a mother's heart to survive such a loss I believe.  You literally take it one small step at a time.  You let yourself feel as much as you can handle feeling at any given moment, and then you close down.  If you don't close down when you feel the need, it will consume you, and the fear of where that will take you is too much to even think about.  I learned that listening to my heart about what I can and can't handle is what I have to continue to do.  It's one way that I can take care of myself, and I know Ryan wants that.
     The little ones had a great time.  My older kids said they had fun too, despite my breakdowns.  I hope this is true.   If I brought them any joy at all by taking them on vacation to Disneyland, then I know I did the right thing...even if it wasn't right for me.