I knew the time would come when we would take a family vacation without Ryan, but I didn't know how intense the pain would be until I got there.
Sadly for us all, my selflessly loving mom died in June. My sister asked me to come to Disneyland with them at Thanksgiving, as it would be her first time back there without my mom. I wanted to help her, and I also knew my kids needed some joy in their lives. We thought we would be helping each other to take a hard step for both of us, and knew my mom and Ryan would be so happy about that. However, I knew in my heart I wasn't ready for this. Disneyland was the last place we took a family vacation...WITH Ryan. How could I go back to the place he loved so much WITHOUT him? Despite my overwhelming fears, I knew we had to go.
The kids were all very happy, so I felt I was doing the right thing for them. I learned quickly that sometimes what is good for your kids, is not good for you. Being a mom, you put your kids first in most situations. Since Ryan died, I have tried so hard to do whatever was right for them, whatever I could do to help heal their broken hearts. They had to come first...I needed to help them move forward, even though I didn't know how to do it myself.
When we entered Disneyland, someone took a family picture of us. When I looked at it, the first family picture without Ryan, I began to cry. We have not taken family pictures since Ryan died, and it is very clear to me why. That was the beginning of the end for me. I literally cried my way through the happiest place on earth for three days! I didn't know when it would happen, or what would set me off. I just knew when it hit, I needed to walk off by myself. I know the younger kids were in their own world and enjoying every second. But the older kids, they saw the pain in me, they understood it...they carried it as well.
When I look at this picture of Sean and Kaitie at Disneyland, I see my two beautiful children...but I also see the one who is missing. Does anyone else see what this mother's heart sees? Instead of Ryan's "light up the world" smile next to his brother and sister's smiles, his ashes are in the tattoo in Sean's arm. What has happened to my once perfect and complete family?
I feel somehow I let everyone down this vacation. My sister, who asked me to be there...I was emotionally unavailable to her. Sean and Kaitie, who needed joy more then anyone...witnessed their mother's heart break all over again. My husband, who wants nothing more then to wash away all my pain...saw how deep it actually was, how successfully I hide it, and how helpless it leaves him.
I learned that I do keep so much of this sadness buried within. It's the only way for a mother's heart to survive such a loss I believe. You literally take it one small step at a time. You let yourself feel as much as you can handle feeling at any given moment, and then you close down. If you don't close down when you feel the need, it will consume you, and the fear of where that will take you is too much to even think about. I learned that listening to my heart about what I can and can't handle is what I have to continue to do. It's one way that I can take care of myself, and I know Ryan wants that.
The little ones had a great time. My older kids said they had fun too, despite my breakdowns. I hope this is true. If I brought them any joy at all by taking them on vacation to Disneyland, then I know I did the right thing...even if it wasn't right for me.
The 2011-2012 school year was a year I will never forget. What would have been Ryan's senior year, a time of joy and celebration, in fact was a time of great sorrow. As much happiness as I felt for all of his friends, I felt an even heavier sadness... I was bluntly faced with all that Ryan was missing. With every senior picture, excitement about the senior trip, pictures of seniors dressed up for prom, dreams of their futures, and preparing for their High School Graduation...my heart would drop so deep inside that I felt I would never be able to reach it again.
My Ryan did not get to take senior pictures, he did not get to go to his senior prom, he didn't experience the great adventures of a senior trip, his dreams of college and life after high school were taken away. He was weeks away from getting his driver's license...all requirements done, just waiting out the time he needed to. He would never graduate from High School. His life was suddenly cut short, and we were left with the pain of all the things he never did, nor would ever have the chance to do.
A couple of weeks before the graduation, the principal at Middletown High School, Mr. Roderick, called me in. He informed me that he had ordered a Diploma for Ryan. I immediately began to cry...somehow my baby would graduate! I was overwhelmed with the compassion this man had... not only for our family, but for all the graduating seniors. We all needed closure with this graduation. Mr. Roderick knew this, and did what he could do to help all involved. He informed me they would have a chair which would be empty in Ryan's honor. He asked if Kaitie would accept the diploma for Ryan. Again, I cried. Kaitie sat in the chair for Ryan as the class walked in...none of them knew she would be there. Then the diploma, which his classmates knew nothing about, was presented to Kaitie. There were cheers, whistles, and so many tears. She accepted with such strength, courage, and grace. I was so very proud of her, and I knew Ryan was too. After she accepted the diploma, she sat down with me, leaving Ryan's chair empty. It was then she began to cry. As I looked through my tears to Kaitie, and to Ryan's classmates, I saw the gift of closure Mr. Roderick gave to them all. Our Ryan was graduating with his class.
This journey has been so very painful, and I'm afraid it is not getting easier. One thing I have learned as I face each day, is that there are people along the way who reach out and somehow know exactly what to say or do. Whether it's to let you know they don't know what to say, but are there for you...or to share a story or memory of Ryan...or to acknowledge him on his birthday, holidays, or any gathering of family or friends...or to respectfully honor your son at graduation. Each word or action is to let you know they have NOT forgotten your child. That he mattered in this life...and he still does. I can not thank those people enough. I will never forget what Mr. Roderick did for all of us at the graduation of 2012. He honored my son, and in doing that, he let me know that Ryan did matter and is NOT forgotten. At the end of each day, that is all that really helps...all I really want...all I really need.
