One Year....

         I had no idea of what to expect as this time and date approached, although I had been warned of the turmoil that awaited me.  I have learned over the past year NOT to be surprised at what each day may hold, or where my emotions may take me.  This grief seems to have a life of it's own, and I have tried very hard to just accept that hard fact.
     Today, the eve of the One Year, I feel just as I did a year ago.  The only difference is...I don't have the shock to mysteriously protect me.  I miss the shelter it provided, but know I must move forward with this heart wrenching reality, no matter how painful it is.  And...it is more painful then words could ever express.
     Physically, I have an endless pit in my stomach, my head is pounding relentlessly, and I feel nauseous.   Emotionally, I feel the gut wrenching panic, the disbelief, the uncertainty, the isolation, the endless fear, the overwhelming concern for my other kids, the self doubt in my ability to survive, the moments of not caring if I do, and the indescribable sadness in my heart and soul....my little boy is gone and my life on this earth will never be the same without him physically here.    What does that mean for me?  For us?  I still don't have that answer, I only know we have all changed so very deep within.
     Others may think I should be focusing on the good memories right now.  I try very hard to do that, although it never takes away the sadness.  Sometimes it brings moments of  joy, and other times it actually makes it harder.  Right now, in this moment, I am incapable of focusing on memories.  What was once my life with Ryan, is now only memories.  The loss in that is so overwhelming at this stage, that all I can do is just breathe.  
     I have witnessed great pain in my other children.  Pain I could not take away, but only try to help them through.  In recent days I have see that pain surfacing with great force.  I realize in those moments, that they, like myself, just try to carry on...all the while the sadness is deep inside, and never gone.
      I have spent a lot of time today remembering the day before Ryan died...the talking we did, the dinner he ate, going into his room numerous times to check on him, him coming out to me with questions or things to share, the last words I said to him, and him to me.  In 30 minutes, it will be a year since I last talked to Ryan, since I last heard his sweet and loving voice.  The intensity of missing him is so fierce, I can not even find words to describe it.  
      The one thing I am so very grateful for is I have not one regret.  Ryan knew how much I loved him, and I knew how much he loved me.  Our relationship was a close, open, and honest.  We had a respect for each other which I will always carry.  We often talked about how we really understood each other.  We were so similar, in so many ways, that our hearts instinctively knew each other on a level we didn't even understand.  I understand now, and I know he does too.
     One Year....I have survived, and grown spiritually... we all have.  But at this painful moment in the journey, I feel as I did the day Ryan died... I feel broken.