As One Year Approaches....

     The days seem to be so very long right now, while the nights, which are my escape, become shorter.  So many thoughts and feelings rush through me each day.  I find myself lost in thoughts of Ryan...the day he was taken from my arms, how we have each survived the pain thus far, all the living Ryan will miss, and the painful realization that I have to live the rest of my life on this earth without him here with me.  Sometimes that reality alone is almost too much to endure.      
     As the anniversary date approaches, I find my emotions are very raw, and my anxiety continues to build.  I go through my day and do what is expected of me, but I can't seem to do more then that.  My motivation and focus is almost non existent as I move through each passing day.  At work, I find myself staring off, lost in thoughts.  At times I feel utterly stunned by losing Ryan, and at other times the tears come without warning.  At those moments I am consumed in anguish, and do all I can to hide from the feelings...the pain, loss, and sadness is just too much at times.  It feels as if I have no control over what I think or feel anymore.  I am just swept away like a tide in an ever changing ocean...turning, pushing, pulling, crashing, exploding on rocks, calmly retreating...only to repeat the turmoil once again.  I am learning I can't fight it, rather I have to accept the emotional turmoil which is now my life.
     I have no doubt the painful reality of losing Ryan is what begins to fill me now.  I would give my life to change this reality, to bring my little boy home again.  Sadly, this possiblity is not mine. To hold him close, look into his beautiful blue eyes so full of life, glory in his contagious smile, hear his calming voice, drown in his beautiful laughter, tell him I love him, and hear him tell me the same...these are now just memories.  What use to be my daily life, are now just memories and dreams...I can't imagine anything more sad then that.  I miss my sweet boy so very much.