The Confusion Within....

     Once again, I have come to my place of peace....the ocean.   Since Ryan died, it is the one place I actually feel at peace within.  It's my time to reflect, to try and understand, to question, to cry, to remember, to wonder, to nurture myself...to just be.
     Today as we were driving along the coast, I felt very quiet.  I was frustrated at the delays we faced in getting to the place I so needed to be.  In those frustrations, I once again started looking at the woman I have become since I lost Ryan.  In my thoughts, I realized how confused I am about so many things.  
    One moment I think I need to hold onto my other kids tightly, protecting them, because I never know what could happen to them.  In the next moment, my heart tells me to let go.  After all, Ryan died while sleeping in the safety of his bed.  I couldn't protect him in the safest place possible...what makes me think I could protect anyone else?  One moment I think I need to really be sure to appreciate each moment in life because I've been painfully shown how short and unpredictable life can be.  In the next moment, my heart tells me that can never fully happen again, because I don't feel the joy or passion in life the way I use to.  One moment I think I need to find a way to make something special out of my life, to find new dreams.  The next moment, my heart remembers all the dreams that were shattered, and I wonder how much longer I'll have to wait before I get to see, and be with my Ryan again?  For everything I think or do, there is an opposite feeling or reaction happening.  
     The very day Ryan died, I knew I would never be the same woman I was before.  I knew I had changed.  I didn't understand what it meant, but I knew it was my new reality.  It's been almost three years, and I still see the changes happening.  I'm still not sure of who I am, where I am meant to be, or why all of this even happened.  This grief has no answers, no clarity...no end.  I am still very saddened and bewildered... yet accepting, of the confusion within...the confusion of Me.