When you lose a child, your marriage is immediately put on the list of "at risk marriages." We didn't know that when it happened, and it was honestly the last thing on our minds....but time surely showed us we were at risk! When this type of devastation and loss strikes, you are both taken into depths of darkness you didn't know existed. Each person carries their own pain, yet also carries the pain of their partner. You don't know how to make it better for the other...and you absolutely don't know how to make it better for yourself. How can you possibly make something better, that is so painfully wrong? It's a very lonely journey, and I can easily see now how many marriages don't survive the loss of a child.
When Ryan died, we both felt pain that words could never describe. Russ was the one who found Ryan, so he carried guilt, and a feeling like he should have been able to do something. In his eyes, he was entrusted with the care of my baby, and somehow let me down. Although I did not feel that way, it was his pain, and the journey he would embark upon. As much as I tried to help him understand it was not his fault, he could not let that go. That all consuming pain led him down a very dark, angry, and isolated road. A road of self destruction. Meanwhile, I was trying to not only help him, but help my kids. I felt very alone, yet knew I had to find a way to lead them all through this darkness. This was a road I had never traveled, didn't want to be on, and I had no light to guide me....only darkness.
I listened to my heart, and desperately tried everything I could to help make things right somehow. I was walking alone, Russ was walking alone....somehow we had lost each other in the unbearable pain of it all. My own grief had to be put aside, as I watched my family falling apart. At that time, I didn't know if Russ and I would make it. There were times I didn't care, and I'm certain he felt the same. I couldn't bear any more pain, I knew that. I also knew as a mom, I had to be sure my kids made it. They quickly became my focus. As moms always do, I put my own pain on a back shelf. In retrospect, perhaps the needs of my family helped me survive that first year?
Nine months after Ryan died, our marriage hit a crucial point. Russ and I couldn't be further apart, and after 30 plus years of friendship, that just brought more sadness upon hearts that were already broken. It was then Russ stood up, faced his demons, and did all he could to make himself alright. He did it for me....he did it for our kids....he did it for Ryan. He taught us all about courage and respect....showing strength I had never seen in him before. His actions at that time clearly told me how strong his love for me was....and I met him with encouragement, compassion, and gratitude.
It's been almost 3 years now. We each carry the pain and loss of losing Ryan deep within our hearts. We are learning to share that grief, when we are able to. We also are able to see the silent pain, and respect that place in each other. The darkness born from the loss is still deep in both of us, but we have learned to face it together. When the pain is so deep I can't talk, and isolating my heart is the only way I can endure any given moment, he shows me he is there....if and when I'm ready to share.
We have been given challenges and pain most couples will never endure. It was a very painful road as a couple for almost a year....but our love, friendship, loyalty, and determination helped mend what was broken. I am so very grateful that we have the type of relationship and marriage that has survived the deepest of heartbreaks....the death of a child.
