Another School Year Approaches....

     It seems like yesterday when MHS called to ask if they could dedicate a yearbook page to Ryan.  I was so touched and honored, not so much for myself, but for Ryan.  This kind and loving gesture spoke so clearly to me of the impact Ryan had on so many lives.  Now, the first summer without him has come and gone, and a new school year is about to begin.  The summer, which Ryan always loved, felt lonely.  I found myself reflecting on last summer, and all the joy Ryan experienced.  I missed him here with me.   As the school year approaches,  my heart is filling with sadness of what could have been.
     This school year would have been Ryan's senior year.  A year he was so looking forward to.  School shopping one last time, senior pictures, the joy of knowing it's your last year, celebrating with friends, choosing the path you want after school ends, the senior trip, the senior prom, and the moment of graduation....that moment of pride, success, accomplishment, and freedom.  Experiences which we all assume our children will have, are now just painful reminders of what could have been.
     All of the possibilities and opportunities that awaited him have been taken away.  Although I know he is happy now, and feel so much gratitude for his peace,  I can't help but think about all of the life he will never live.  He was at the threshold of new beginnings, and it all came to a sudden end.  As I watch his friends begin to talk about and celebrate their senior year, and as we begin to prepare for the new school year, I am left with such a deep sadness.  I know the year will be hard, and I will feel the struggle with every important step I watch his friends take.  Although I will celebrate their joy, and sincerely wish them love and happiness, I will also feel the sadness of Ryan missing each of those steps.  That reality is already piercing my heart.   I will walk with, and encourage his friends... I know Ryan would want me to do that.  In doing so, perhaps I will help keep Ryan with them on their journeys.   
     I know God's Grace has carried me this far, and I pray it will continue to carry me. I pray I will be able to walk through what would have been Ryan's senior year with a sense of dignity, courage, and strength.  Even more then this, may I continue to honor Ryan, and the legacy  he left, with every breath I take.