Eleven months of surviving....

     I find it very hard to believe 11 months have come and gone since the day my world was changed forever.  I have carried pain which words are incapable of expressing.  Words....they always came so easily to me, and now they don't seem to hold enough meaning to accurately express what my heart feels so deeply.  The words seem to carry the same emptiness I feel within my very being.  Despite this, my words and writing seem to be the only way to release some of the turmoil, which seems to build with each passing day.  I think people probably assume it is getting easier, that I'm doing good.  They see me smile and carry on with life.  If they don't ask.... I don't share.  I'm sure many of them have lost people in their lives, and probably compare losing a child to that grief.  I, too, have lost many people in my life, and it has hurt deeply.  But losing a child does not compare to any other loss I have endured.  Losing a child is in an unspeakable world of it's own.  It literally turns your world upside down and inside out.   If you haven't experienced it,  you can't begin to understand the devastation.  I completely understand and respect that reality.  When they say it's the hardest loss there is....they are right.  You don't get over it and move on.  You just don't.  Sadly, some people actually feel it works that way.  They obviously have never lost a child or those thoughts would never cross their minds, or words pass through their lips.   Since you will never get over it, I suppose all you can do is survive.  Each day brings the painful challenge to do just that.
     As the one year anniversary approaches , I am filled with anxiety and sadness.  I am feeling the devastation that is about to come, as if it hadn't happened yet.  As the time approaches, I am triggered daily by things which take me back to the horror which no one should have to live through. Each day brings tears, prompted by many different triggers.  The sadness builds, and the tears increase.   The day I lost Ryan, I wondered how I would ever survive.  I knew I was changed as a woman forever, even though I did not know what that meant for me.  Eleven months later, I still don't know what it means, yet I know I am very different.  I AM surviving, but in all honesty (and contrary to what most people believe) the reality and devastation of this tragedy grows stronger with time.  Perhaps the shock is slowly wearing off?  The protection of those walls are beginning to fall...and it leaves me afraid, alone, empty, heart broken, and so incredibly sad.

Another School Year Approaches....

     It seems like yesterday when MHS called to ask if they could dedicate a yearbook page to Ryan.  I was so touched and honored, not so much for myself, but for Ryan.  This kind and loving gesture spoke so clearly to me of the impact Ryan had on so many lives.  Now, the first summer without him has come and gone, and a new school year is about to begin.  The summer, which Ryan always loved, felt lonely.  I found myself reflecting on last summer, and all the joy Ryan experienced.  I missed him here with me.   As the school year approaches,  my heart is filling with sadness of what could have been.
     This school year would have been Ryan's senior year.  A year he was so looking forward to.  School shopping one last time, senior pictures, the joy of knowing it's your last year, celebrating with friends, choosing the path you want after school ends, the senior trip, the senior prom, and the moment of graduation....that moment of pride, success, accomplishment, and freedom.  Experiences which we all assume our children will have, are now just painful reminders of what could have been.
     All of the possibilities and opportunities that awaited him have been taken away.  Although I know he is happy now, and feel so much gratitude for his peace,  I can't help but think about all of the life he will never live.  He was at the threshold of new beginnings, and it all came to a sudden end.  As I watch his friends begin to talk about and celebrate their senior year, and as we begin to prepare for the new school year, I am left with such a deep sadness.  I know the year will be hard, and I will feel the struggle with every important step I watch his friends take.  Although I will celebrate their joy, and sincerely wish them love and happiness, I will also feel the sadness of Ryan missing each of those steps.  That reality is already piercing my heart.   I will walk with, and encourage his friends... I know Ryan would want me to do that.  In doing so, perhaps I will help keep Ryan with them on their journeys.   
     I know God's Grace has carried me this far, and I pray it will continue to carry me. I pray I will be able to walk through what would have been Ryan's senior year with a sense of dignity, courage, and strength.  Even more then this, may I continue to honor Ryan, and the legacy  he left, with every breath I take.