I have learned that I am stronger then I realized. I have survived the greatest loss you could ever experience as a parent. At times I still don't know how I will face the next day. There are days I find it hard to breathe, but somehow I do. With the love of those close to me, and through God's grace, I have somehow helped to walk my kids through the deepest darkness of their lives. As a mother to them all, I feel so grateful for that.
I have learned how loving my children are. They have lost their brother, yet have poured their hearts into Ryan's Memorial Fund...finding such peace in giving to others, all in their brother's name and honor. They have walked through such darkness, and although they will always feel that loss, they also have learned that they can feel joy again. They continue to love others, even though love was ripped out of their lives.
I have learned that some people will walk by your side and support you for the rest of your life. They will tell you how much Ryan meant to them, or speak his name with love. They show their love for me, my family, and for Ryan, with their actions and words. In doing this, they show that his life here DID matter, and in no way is he forgotten. THOSE are the people that carry myself, my husband, and my kids through each day. I have also learned there are those who do not speak his name, or even acknowledge it when spoken by us. That is hurtful. I am still learning how to let that go. We all are.
I have learned after losing my child, I can endure ANY pain or loss.
I have learned that Ryan's beliefs and attitudes were beyond his age. His belief in "One Love" is the way we should all live. I continue to learn from his life.
I have learned through my other kids that there can still be joy in life. It may be different, it may be for mere moments at a time....but it is there.
I am still learning to live my new "normal" life, whatever that means. There is a huge hole in my heart, and in our family as a whole, but we are learning to live with that. We are doing the best we can do.
I am still learning to understand the woman I have become since losing Ryan. I have learned that I may spend the rest of my life here trying to understand who I have become, or am still becoming...but I have also learned that is alright.
I have learned how important it is to take time to nurture myself. When your heart and spirit have been broken like this, you need to find a place where you can breathe, and feel the calmness that peace brings. When you find that place, you need to take yourself there often. I am learning to do just that.
I have learned that this journey I am on, truly is just "One small step at a time."
