The "Firsts" Are Over....???

     I have just passed the anniversary of Ryan's Memorial (Oct 15th), so the "firsts" are officially over.  At least that is what I am told.  I survived each new month without him, my first birthday, the first birthdays of my other children, the first holidays, Ryan's first birthday, the first mother's day, and the painful and devastating first anniversary of his death.  I knew each of these firsts would be a slippery stepping stone which I would never forget...but I also hoped somehow  once the "firsts" were completed, a glimmer of light would appear in my world again.  That somehow I would miraculously feel whole again.  I was very, very wrong. 
     Each morning when I awake, I hit my snooze button and think of Ryan.  I wonder how I will survive another day, if I will manage again to forge through the emptiness, or if I will find a reason to smile.  The alarm goes off again, and I force myself up and begin to go through the motions of yet another day.  Going through the motions...that seems to be all I do now.  I go to work, giving all I am capable of giving...wondering if I'll ever feel the passion I use to feel.  I get home and do what needs to be done, again giving all I am capable of giving...homework, dinner, showers, attention, etc..., all the while looking forward to crawling into my bed.  The place I can be alone and NOT pretend to be someone I no longer am.  I'm still unsure of who I am or what I'm mean't to be, but it is very clear I spend most of my day being what people think I should be...or perhaps what I think they need me to be.  Somehow I have gotten lost and I'm not sure if anyone even realizes that?
     This is a time of year I always loved.  The season was changing, and with it seemed to bring a comfort of being at home more with my family.  With that came the realization that the holidays were coming, another time to focus on my children...all their joy and love.  Now this time of year haunts me.  I have a painfully, piercing understanding that nothing is right inside my heart anymore, and I can't imagine how it ever could be again. My child is gone...nothing is right.  With this realization, comes a darkness I can not even begin to describe.  In fact, it is so overwhelming at times, that I put great effort into pushing it away, hoping and praying one day I'll feel strong enough to face it.  It literally takes my breath away.
     What I have come to realize is this...each and every day is a "first" day without Ryan.  There is no relief, no glimmer of light, no sense of wholeness, and no feelings of accomplishment for surviving the "firsts."   For me, the "firsts" are never ending.