I know Thanksgiving is a time to be thankful for all we have, and I usually am. However, this year I had a huge hole in my heart, a very loved son missing from the table, and being thankful for anything was something I did with effort, not ease.
We went to my loving sister's house for dinner. They offered to cook Thanksgiving for us, knowing how hard this holiday would be on us all. For their sensitivity, love, and support... I am so grateful. My mom was there, who is fighting a courageous battle with cancer... for the gift of her with us for one more year of holidays, I am very grateful. My children....4 of them were with us today, and words could never express the gratitude I feel for their precious lives. Sean and Kaitie...I know they felt their brother's absence in a very painful way, and I share in that pain. The time together was very nice, although my heart felt so heavy today. It was not until the end of the evening that the tears began to fall, as I talked to my sister about Turkey soup...something Ryan loved. My son, Sean, saw me crying and immediately held me....I know his heart was aching for Ryan too. No matter how nice it was to all be together, and it was...it was not right without Ryan with us.
When we were leaving, my sister called me back to her front porch to look at something. On the cement step, out of what looked like dried mud sunken into the cement, was a perfect heart. Ryan needed us to know he WAS with us. Then when we started to drive home, a song played on the radio that I don't hear much anymore, but have posted on my Facebook as a tribute to Ryan..."Testify to Love." Again, Ryan letting me know he was with us. I turned the volume up very loud, and silently cried to myself so no one would know. I continued to cry the entire way home.
I am grateful that Ryan was with us. I am grateful that once again he let us know. I am grateful I, and those who love him, see the signs he continually sends. Although I always find comfort and peace in this.... today it wasn't enough. Today his spiritual presence did not comfort me like it usually does, because today I wanted more....I wanted Ryan with me. I wanted him because it was Thanksgiving, because Ryan loved to eat, because Ryan is such a huge part of this family, because I love him so much...because he is my child. He is MY CHILD, and was taken at too young of an age. For the first time since he died, I felt a glimpse of anger driving home. Anger that all I have left are memories and signs of his spritual presence, and not him here with us. I felt cheated out of a lifetime of loving him as we drove home, not only for myself, but for my other children. I felt the unfairness of it all, and wondered..... will I ever be OK again? Nothing is the same, and nothing feels right.
I am always so grateful and comforted by the signs he sends...but today, on this first Thanksgiving...it just wasn't enough.
We all need a place to run...a place where we feel safe from the hurts of the world....a safe place to fall. The ocean has always been a place of peace, spiritual growth, comfort....a place where God always holds me. If ever I needed held by God, it's now.
I was blessed to have had a couple of days there, thanks to the generosity of my brother. As soon as I saw the raging sea, my chest opened up, and for the first time since Ryan died....I felt like I could breathe again. I knew I needed to be there, and I'm sure God knew it as well.
For my entire adult life, I have run to the ocean when I was in need, when I felt turmoil inside, when I needed peace, when I wanted to feel close to God. Watching the majestic waves always makes me feel the power and wonder of God...helping me remember, He is in control. Although I don't always understand the reasons for things, I am able to somehow let go a little and trust things will be OK. Perhaps this is the peace that seeps into my heart when I stand before the ocean, watching waves crash against the rocks and cliffs. As I watch the waves roll in and out, I am reminded of change, of life constantly moving, of love coming and going....and coming again, of pain and joy....I am reminded that nothing stays the same, no matter how much we wish it could. Yet, I am also reminded of how things do stay the same.
This is the first time I have ventured out since Ryan died...I went where God was calling me, where He always calls me. I wrote notes to Ryan in the sand, I looked for hearts in the sky, I talked to Ryan, I talked to God, I cried, I sang "Testify to Love" over and over as I walked along the beach....tears streaming down my face. In doing these things, I was reminded I need to nurture my heart right now, as it is broken, and needs the tenderness and comfort only God can give. The ocean is the one place I surrender, and really allow God to hold me in my brokenness. As I returned home, the anxiety and fear began to build, the tears began to fall, and I knew I must return soon. I will return to the ocean, I will allow God to hold me again, I will feel Ryan with me....and I hope each time I go I can build a little more strength within to continue to endure and move forward. The comfort of the ocean for me, is in fact, the comfort of God.
Tomorrow is the 2 month anniversary of Ryan's death. My heart is heavy today, not only for my own loss, but for my children who are still living....carrying the pain and emptiness of losing their brother.
Ryan was blessed to have many brothers and sisters. He was loved by all of them, and loved them in return. When he died, a part of them died as well. I know this is their journey to take, much like my own, but as a mother you can't help but feel their pain....suffering in the realization that this heartbreak is one you can't heal. Like myself, they each have a journey to take, and although we can support each other along the way, they will ultimately walk the road alone. How does a mother accept her child is hurting and she can't fix it? I know every mother asks this question, but when a child dies...a brother, the question cuts much deeper.
I have witnessed great sorrow with my kids. I have heard the painful cries of brothers and sisters when they heard the news that their brother died. I have seen the endless tears. I have felt the unexplainable anger spilling out of them as they yelled through their cries. I have seen their unforgettable anguish as they said their final goodbyes. I have helplessly listened to their cries ......"I just need something to make me happy again....Am I ever going to stop feeling so sad?.....I just want Ryan back, that's all I want.....I miss him so much.....Is this really happening?.....I can't deal with this pain.....I don't have anyone to talk to.....I'm all alone.....I don't want to cry, so I hold it inside.....I can't deal with this, so I try not to think about it.....Why Ryan?.....I want to be with Ryan, I just want to die..... Each cry has broken my heart a little more, yet I encourage the tears and desperate cries, because I know they need to let these feelings out. I know they must walk through the pain to get to the other side, even when it feels like it will completely consume them. Yet with this knowledge, I also know the fear that can leave you paralyzed.
Why is my heart so heavy? Because I know they must all walk this painful journey, and I can not walk it for them. No mother wants to see her child hurt...the instinct is to make things better again. For the first time in my life, there is nothing I can do to make any of this better. I am as helpless as my children. I am broken too. For a moment I think I am failing them somehow, but then I realize I am letting them see me in my brokenness, letting them see the woman I am, the mother I am....is honestly sharing your heart with your child failing them? I don't think it is. At least I hope not.
What I can do is try to give them hope. Hope that there will be a tomorrow, that Ryan will always be with us, and we will feel joy again. We will probably never get over this, but we will learn to rise from the ashes and live again. It will never be the same, but that doesn't mean there won't be happiness. But for now, while hearts are still aching, I just pray that my kids know I am here. That they know I am always the safe place they can fall. That even though I am broken inside, I am never too broken to hold them in their pain. That I need them as much as they need me. That I am their mom....and although I am grieving the loss of one child, it does not mean my love for my other children is any less.
I love my kids, and because of this love, I will always carry their pain, no matter how much pain I am feeling myself. I hope their hearts know this to be true.
I have spent a lot of time pondering my beliefs, the very beliefs that breathe life into me each day. During a time like this, you need your beliefs to fall on, to lean on, to hold you up. Beliefs are with you no matter what challenges life gives you, no matter how much anguish you feel, no matter how much you feel God is testing you. If you believe, your faith will carry you through....at least that has been the reality in my life.
I believe in God. For as long as I can remember, that faith has been within me. Through joys, pains, sorrows, and celebrations....it has been constant. My relationship with God has taken many roads throughout the years. It has been turbulent, quiet, fulfilling, full of question, and life sustaining. No matter how much pain or loss I have felt, I have never questioned whether or not God existed...I just knew He did. When I lost Ryan, I remember thinking...."if ever I would question my beliefs...now will be the time." Despite my heart being broken, leaving me lifeless, I still believe. I don't understand why, but I don't need to understand....that is what faith is about.
I also believe with God all things are possible. I believe when someone you love dies, they watch over you. I believe they are always with you, and if you listen with an open heart and open mind, you will hear, see, and feel the signs of love they send you. Through clouds, through a scent, through dreams, through music, through a feeling, through visions....we just need to listen. Some may think this is merely a grieving mother needing to see what she sees, reading things into nothing....but I say it is not. I know it is not. After all.....all things are possible with God, are they not? Who are we on earth to put limits on what God can, or will do, to bring comfort to a crying heart?
My dad coming to me in a dream prior to Ryan's death just confirms my belief. I didn't know what the dream meant until after Ryan died, but now, it is one of the only things that gives me comfort in knowing there was nothing I could have done....God's plan was already in motion. He sent me a message of 'soon to be comfort', before Ryan died...He let my dad come to me, knowing I would turn back to that dream numerous times, just to get through each day. I believe my dad came to help me in the only way he could. He is in heaven, I am on earth.....but I am still his daughter. He knew the pain I was about to encounter and he needed to be there for his little girl. He was there for me...for Ryan. That dream was a gift, a gift that has kept me breathing.
Prior to my surgery last week, I asked Ryan to be with me. The night of my surgery, one of Ryan's friends had a dream, which she shared with me. I found her note days later, and wrote back to her in tears. I shared that I had asked Ryan to be with me, that I had surgery, and assured her I would thank Ryan for sending me a message through her...because I knew he had. I did thank him, and I know he heard, because this same girl had another dream just the other night...Ryan came to her and thanked her for letting me know how he felt. This was her note to me:
"I woke up crying from this dream and knew that I had to tell you. We were somewhere, I still cant figure out where, but there was beautiful green grass and a little waterfall that ran into a pond. It was sunny, but there was some wind, so it wasn’t very hot. He was saying how much he cared for you and he said that you would be OK and he is with you. I couldn’t figure out why he was saying you would be OK but now I know it was because of your surgery. He started to cry when he started to say he doesn’t think you know how much you meant to him and how much he loves you and how he loved your relationship. He said he knows you can get through anything because you are the strongest woman he has ever met. He also said that you were not only his mom, but his best friend, and he would give anything to have one more day with you so you know how much you mean to him."
When I read this note, I immediately broke into uncontrollable tears. I KNEW Ryan had come to her...he needed me to know something and he knew who to go to.... someone who would hear, believe, and share. Ryan knows my strong belief and faith in God, and all the possibilities that holds. Ryan shared that faith. I don't put limits on what is possible, I never have. I honestly do believe all things are possible with God. I have seen it in my life numerous times, and I am seeing it now....a time when I need it the most.
What I believe? I believe in God, I believe our loved ones are always with us, and I believe if we have the open heart that is needed.....they will reach down and we will hear, see, and feel it. I do believe all things are possible....I believe because I have faith.
My Dear Ryan,
It is almost 2 months since you left, and the aching inside has no mercy. I look at your pictures around the house...sometimes I touch your face, sometimes I cry, and sometimes I just wish I could hold you one more time. But I know one more time would not be enough. To hear your voice, touch your hair, and feel the joy I always felt when you sent a smile my way. These are things I constantly long for.
The house feels so empty now. You were such a large part of my life, of my world, of this family. I know I am not the only one hurting, and for everyone who was close to you, I feel the emptiness. An emptiness that has become a powerful reality in my life.
I want you to know, although I'm sure you do, that your friends and I are looking out for each other. You had such a variety of friends, which speaks to the kind of heart you had. They are all so loving and giving and you need to know how much they have reached out to me. So many of them have told me how much you loved me....a gift so great they will never understand it. I only hope I am bringing them an ounce of the peace and comfort they bring to me each day.
Your brothers and sisters.....they are all broken. They all seem to deal with this in their own ways, which I try to respect. Whether it be diving into their work, their own families, their friends....they are just trying to survive. Much like myself that way. I think the gut wrenching pain of you being gone is too much for any of them to endure, so they keep themselves busy, trying not to think. Perhaps avoiding a reality they are not yet ready to accept? Again, I understand that, but it worries me too. I ask you to look after each and every one of them, and when the time comes, and they fall down in pain, please help them stand up again. Let them know you are there and you believe in them. They will need that from you. Knowing you are with them is where they will find the strength within to get through this and continue on. They will never get over it, but they can get through it. Ryan, please let them all know you are there.
Myself...I'm sure you see what has happened to me. I know you never liked to see me cry, and I'm so sorry you have to see me broken like this. I actually feel guilty that you would see me in so much pain, but I'm sure that doesn't surprise you. You know how deeply I loved you, how close we were, how special you always were to me...so I'm sure you understand the anguish I'm feeling. I believe you are with me, and I thank you for always letting me see that. I ask you to continue to watch over me, too, because sometimes I don't know how I will get through this. I don't know who I am anymore, or who I am becoming? I know you always believed in me and the woman I was, so I will try and draw from that to pull myself up again. I would never want to let you down.
You...I am happy you are with my dad again. I am happy he came to get you and I know he is so proud of you. I am happy you feel a joy and love like no one here could begin to understand. You gave love so freely to others... you deserve the love you are living in now. Is it everything I told you it would be? I imagine it's so much more....
Even though my heart aches, I celebrate for you. I rejoice for you. I am so happy that you now know complete peace within. One day we will be together again, and you can show me all the beauty and love you have found in heaven...and in that sweet moment when we meet...Your Mom will touch your face, rub your hair, feel the complete joy of your smile, and hold you again in her arms like she always did...and has longed to do...every day since you left.
You are always in my heart Ry....I love you completely.
Mom
Through the deep losses in my life, I have learned that grief is a very individualized process. Each person grieves differently, in their own time, in their own way. No way is right, no time is right, and no one can tell you how to do it. It is a road you ultimately walk alone. A journey you wish you never had to take, but eventually will. Once that journey begins, there is no one who can wash away the pain. It is your pain, your journey, your grief.
Along the road you will meet many loving people who will try to help. Some with their words, their gifts, their genuine concern, their prayers, their love. Although this does not take away the hurt, it does allow you to know that you are loved....and we can never have enough love, can we? There will also be some who say sorry, are present when the tragedy first strikes, and then quietly disappear into the night. Perhaps because they don't know what to say, what to do, or how to help? I've never been one to disappear into the night, so I can't really understand or make sense of this reaction. However, I do know there must be a reason, so I accept it as "their way".
When you lose someone, the reality is the only ones who will completely understand what you are feeling, are the ones who have experienced the exact same loss. Whether it be the loss of an aunt, a grandparent, a parent, or a child. It's almost as if you become a member of an elite club once you have experienced a loss, and only those club members understand what it's really about. Sadly, I have been a part of many elite clubs, but the loss of my son, Ryan, is the loneliest journey of grief I have ever been on.
When your child dies, no matter what the circumstance may be, a part of you dies with them. The child you brought into the world....to love, nurture, hold, protect....has been heartlessly ripped from your arms in the snap of a finger. It is a violent and physical separation...no mother should have to endure such pain. No mother should have her child taken from her. Nothing is the same. Your world is shattered to its very core. The woman you once were has disappeared, and you wait, wondering.... what will the new woman be like when she finally emerges from the depths of darkness she is in? Will she emerge in one piece? Will she be able to love again, like she once did so freely? Will her family and friends know her? Will anyone recognize her? Will everyone still be there, no matter how long it takes, waiting for her?
There is a lot of lonliness in grief, but losing my little boy, Ryan....this is the loneliest journey of my life.
He walked upon this blessed earth, for only 16 years.
His sudden death has left us all, in painful, mournful tears.
We’re left with aching hearts, he slipped right through our hands.
Why God would take this precious life, we can not understand.
Although his time was short here, his path is clear to see.
He gave his heart so freely, to all he saw in need.
He never judged another by their race, or looks, or friends.
He saw into their hearts and souls, and loved them til the end.
In honor of our Ryan, a youth beyond his years.
We need to open up ourselves, and reach beyond our tears.
With open hearts, extended hands, all judgment left behind.
Reach out to one another, with your heart, your soul, your mind.
Let this be the lesson, the legacy he leaves.
To never judge another, give love to all you see.
Remember he is with us, our angel up above.
The greatest honor we could show………to give each other love.
Ryan Depp
Ryan Patrick Depp, 16, died of unexpected natural causes on Sept. 22, 2010 in Hidden Valley Lake, CA.
He is survived by his Mother, Glenda Pyzer (Russ); Father, Rich Depp (Julie); Brothers, Jeremy Depp (SueZann), Sean Depp; Sisters, Shawndre Depp (Jay), Kaitie Depp, Annabel Pyzer, Breanna Pyzer; Mike Pyzer (Krista),Grandparents, Jan Beebout, Harry Depp, Ken and Diane Staudinger, Lenard and Rose Pyzer; 11 Aunts; 13 Uncles; 28 cousins; 6 nephews; 1 neice; Godparents, Leslie Adams and Larry Sark, and numerous other family members and friends. He is preceded in death by his Grandfather, Ed Beebout; Grandmother, Mary Depp.
Ryan was born on March 17, 1994 in Santa Rosa, CA. He was always athletic, playing baseball and football, but his great passion was basketball. He was gifted on the court and an absolute joy to watch. Ryan, although only 16, was wise beyond his years. He had many friends in Santa Rosa and Lake County. His friends were from all walks of life, and he loved them all unconditionally. He did not judge others, instead, he managed to see directly into their hearts and find the good in everyone he met. He is known for reaching out to others, being kind to everyone he met, accepting people for who they were, lending a caring ear when needed, warm hugs, his “million dollar smile” which lit up the room, and his love, loyalty, and devotion to his family. An unbelievable legacy for a 16 year old to leave behind! Our hearts ache for this sudden, and painful loss. We all love Ryan with all of our hearts and miss him terribly. We are all blessed, and better people, for having Ryan in our lives to love, and to be loved by.
A Memorial Service will be held at the Resurrection Parish Church located at 303 Stony Point Road (corner of Stony Point Rd and W. 3rd St), Santa Rosa, CA. 95401 on Oct. 15th at 3pm. With open hearts, we invite all who would like to attend.
In lieu of flowers, our family would greatly appreciate donations being sent to Camp For A Cure, which is a local baseball camp run by Ryan’s Aunt and Uncle. All proceeds go to The American Cancer Society, Lupus Foundation of America, and The American Diabetes Association.
Checks can be mailed “In honor of Ryan Depp” to: P.O. Box 2623 Rohnert Park, CA. 94927.www.campforacure.org
My 4 year old, Breanna, has been coming to me over the past hour having me write notes on a piece of paper. It is a letter to Ryan, which she would like to mail to him. I wanted to be sure to capture her heart....
"Sorry you died Ryan. I just love you. I go to school and try not to miss you. You always loved me. I'm cute. I know you died Ryan. Ryan loved Breanna and Annabel too. Ryan loved our family. The earth and the sun and the moon. Mommy is your family. Daddy is your family. Sean and Kaitie and Annabel and Breanna are your family. The cats are your family. Lucky is your family. Everyobody loved Ryan. Everybody cried because Ryan died and went to heaven. I know you died. I really love you and really miss you. Eat healthy food. Mommy is the best mom for Ryan. Breanna is the best little girl. You always let me go in your bedroom and say hi to your friends. Because Mommy loved you, she always made you the best food ever. I very, very, very, love you so much. Because I love you I'm going to send a letter to you. Mommy is the best, best, mommy in the world. Because I love you I want you to come back down. You can't come back down because you are in heaven. I'm going to send this up to heaven. I really want you to come down because I miss you and then I won't miss you anymore. I am sick. I am going to send this to Ryan. I'm going to make a rainbow. I like riding on a rainbow too. I love riding on a unicorn. The end."
Ryan was so much…to so many. He was a son, a brother, a grandson, a nephew, a cousin, a godson, and a friend. But for me, Ryan was my baby. He was my infant, my toddler, my little boy, my teenager. He was my Ryan.
I can still remember the joy and completeness I felt each time he moved inside of me. I remember every detail of his birth like it was yesterday…..my St. Patrick’s Day baby with bright, red hair and big blue eyes. I remember his quiet nature as an infant, never crying or fussing. He was so quiet, that I often called the pediatrician as I thought something must be wrong with him. They would always assure me he was perfectly fine…just a content and happy baby. I remember his quiet nature as a toddler and little boy. His extreme shyness at large gatherings of people. His ability to amuse himself, and the comfort he always seemed to have with being by himself. I remember the way he would fight a smile, and if one started to show, he would try to cover his mouth with his hand so no one would see. I told Ryan many times it was OK to smile…that people loved to see him smile. And when he did let you see, or he just couldn‘t hide the joy in his face any longer, the room simply exploded in the happiness his smile would penetrate. His smile was magical. It was a gift to me every time I saw it. From a baby, to 16 years old, his smile brought complete joy to my heart.
As Ryan got older he loved adventures and seeing new places. He loved vacations and went on many of them with his dad and myself throughout the years. When on vacation with me, we would often fly. We went to the East Coast, to Disneyland many times, and to Hawaii. Every time we got to the airport Ryan would explode with excitement, which I loved to see. When we got on the plane, he would always pull out the bible he was given my his Aunt Leslie at his baptism. The first time he did this, I asked him why he packed his bible. His answer was simply, “I know nothing will happen to this plane if I have my Bible.” He believed in God and really felt carrying the Bible would keep him safe. There was such a pure sweetness in him. We went to Disneyland last year…his bible again in hand.
Being a mother, you always see the good in your child. No matter what was happening with him, I always saw his heart. His heart was pure. It was loving. It was giving. It was tender. It was vulnerable. Because of these qualities, I have always felt very protective of Ryan. Hearts this loving can so easily be hurt, and the last thing a mother wants is to see her child hurt. I often prayed for him at night, asking God to protect him, fill him, and guide him always. Because of his heart, it was easy to trust him, as I always felt his heart would lead the way. I would often tell him to listen to his heart, and follow where it led. Little did I know the kind of love he was spreading to all he met.
His friends were from all walks of life. Ryan didn’t care if someone was an A student or if they were in trouble with the law. He didn’t care about color, race, gender, or the circle of friends someone had. He saw people’s hearts, and loved them for that, and that alone. He didn’t care what people thought of him, he was secure in himself. He told me once, “ If someone judges me wrong because of someone I am friends with, that is their problem, not mine. I know my heart, I know my friend’s hearts, and that’s all that matters.” I had great respect for his beliefs and opinions, and because of that, I had a deep trust in him.
Our relationship was sacred to me. We were open and honest with each other. We shared personal experiences and feelings, never judging the other. If he needed anything, he knew I was here. We had a pure and complete love for each other, and I will forever be grateful for that. He was literally a part of me physically, spiritually, and emotionally.
I am not the same woman I was on Sept 21st when I said goodnight to Ryan and told him I loved him for the last time. I know I will never be the same woman again. I don’t think you can lose a child and ever go back to the way you were. It is too life altering. I only pray that somehow I will endure this unbearable pain and emptiness, and rise again, becoming an even better person then I was before I lost him. This would be the greatest honor I could ever give my Ryan. I always gave him everything I had, and he knew it…….. so I wouldn’t dream of stopping now.
My oldest daughter, Shawndre', just found out this week she is expecting her second child. After over a year of trying, for some reason, God felt now was the time. She is not sure of the due date, but had a test today, which says she is at least 6 weeks pregnant....taking it back to the time Ryan died. She has been telling me she needed something happy, something to look forward to, in order to get through this pain. It seems her prayers were answered, and perhaps her brother, Ryan, is looking after her. As we talked about this, my little girl cried...she really feels Ryan is with her now.
I am very happy for her and her growing family. I am happy for our entire family...we all need joy at this time in our lives. We need to see there is a morning light that will shine through, especially since the world seems so dark right now.
I feel so many different emotions with this new blessing. Happiness, sadness, confusion, gratitude, but most of all, joy.....joy for what Shawndre' is feeling in her heart. I feel I am witnessing the circle of life....God has taken a life from our family, He has given a life back to us. This does not wash away an ounce of the grief I feel, or lessen my intense longing to have my Ryan home with me again, but I know it has given Shawndre' something to rejoice in...and for that I'm so grateful. It's one of my children that I feel will somehow be OK now. She needed something good and happy to help her through, she asked....and she was heard.
I have said before that I have always felt Ryan was my "miracle baby", due to the situation at his birth. I now feel, as does Shawndre', that she has been given a "miracle baby"....and somehow, Ryan feels very alive in this.
